Elders

What a night. I wasn't expecting such a powerful night.

It was a significant night for Redeemer Central. We appointed our Elders. I was blown away by the experience.

I'd had a very busy day at work and was trying to work out if I should go home, get changed, get a lift to 101 or stay at work. There was a huge desire to go home and freshen up but I knew if I did I'd struggle to come out again. So to avoid that I stayed on at work.

I was looking forward to the evening although with not much emotion - felt quite flat about it. That was until moments before I left work then a wave of excitement hit me. I felt as if I was floating walking there, in fact it didn't feel a usual walk there. I should have realised by the size of the battle I had to get there it was going to be a good evening.

Squashed

http://tiny.cc/wfqw3

It was that time of year again a couple of weeks ago - time for a mammogram. I couldn't believe it had been a year since I had the appointment. This time I didn't feel as much discomfort - I don't know if it had anything to do with a different machine, a different nurse or I knew the "squashed" feeling wouldn't last forever. I had to find a different way to sleep a couple of days after for about a week, hey that's no problem.

A couple of hours after the mammogram I had a strange phone call from the hospital. On the letter and at the hospital they said the results would go to my GP and to contact them in a couple of weeks. The phone call was offering me an appointment to see the Doctor the next morning.  My mind froze and I said no.  I could feel myself getting worked up after the call ended. 

It would have been so easy to have got so distraught about the "what if"'s  - oh how they can destroy my peace. Thankfully I became aware of my thoughts and quickly thought calmly about the phone call. If it had been as a result of the mammogram would the results have been ready so quickly? I suspected not, no matter how efficient a place is. And I declined and they accepted that - if it was necessary to be seen quickly they would have suggested coming in soon rather than giving me the option. If a doctor asked to see me I'm sure they'd have said that. I decided the best thing to do would be to phone and speak to the clinic secretary. Which I did the next day. Spoke to a nurse who explained it all to me. Had the phone call happened a different day I'd probably have accepted it for what it was. Just being the same day got me thinking.

It made me realise how debilitating fear can be and how easily it can get a grip on life. Thankfully I was able to sit and pray and process my thoughts in peace, something I'm not always able to do. The Holy Spirit brought it's amazing peace and my fear evaporated. I need to find space at work to do this when things feel out of control. Unfortunately when I'm under pressure and accusations are flying around there isn't an opportunity to find some space to do this. I have to find a way to get through the day and hopefully find a way of dealing with it in the evening - not always something I want to do later on. I get to the point where I don't have a choice. I can run but I cannot hide! I have to face the emotions (good and bad) at some point. Thankfully the time carrying these emotions is getting shorter before releasing them. I know I cannot carry them around with me forever. I'm a new creation, being renewed daily and do not want to add more baggage to an already overloaded emotional state.

I received the test results from the hospital. It made me laugh. My results were exceptionally satisfactory. No chance of misunderstanding that result!

It is so great to be monitored yearly. I have been trying for years to be monitored through NHS and had never got the courage up or money to do it privately. It's a shame in a way I'm unable to go down the checking out genes line. It would have been good to know if the Cancer in the family is a genetic problem. Only one problem with that - I need to have family members with Cancer to check against. Hmm, a few years too late for that. And I certainly don't want any more family to be diagnosed. Even if it is genetics, it's not necessarily a guarantee of developing Cancer. It could skip a generation. That would be a good thing. Two generations is enough.

I don't spend time worrying about developing Cancer. My role model is Ma. After Pa died she suspected the Cancer had returned and was quite open about it. I'm sure she still protected me from alot of the pain - emotional and physical - she went through but she always said the not knowing was worse than the confirmation. It was something she just had to deal with and get on with it. She found the strength from somewhere to fight for as long as she did. 2 years. 2 hard years. 

Ma and I were very close. I only remember once seeing her in hospital upset. It wasn't a nice experience to see her so upset, yet at the same time I was glad she was able to share this with me. We had so many funny moments together which crack me up when I think of them. We used to cwch on the sofa and chat about most things. 

Have you ever had time with friends that are so funny each time you remember them you cannot help but laugh then try to explain to someone why it is so funny for it not to sound that funny? A case of "you had to be there".

One of those moments had to do with the song  "Pretty Woman". Ma used to do silly things like put her purse in fridge and the milk in her bag - you know, that sort of thing. (Go on, admit it, you do that from time to time. I know I do). She used to call herself 'silly woman'. She was laughing at the song and said it was about her so we tried to change the words. We only managed a couple of lines before we ended up in hysterics. I really cannot explain it. I cannot listen to the song without smiling.

I find the same thing happens with writing as when I pray. I start of thinking it is to do with one thing and before I know it it's developed into something more - I think I'll leave this post as it is and not split it...

Light in the darkness

http://www.tiny.cc/jn9ma

So long has gone by since my last post. Being quiet on the Caf-front is not usually a good thing. I seem to hide away when things get challenging. Sometimes it's to get strength for the next day, others it could be because I don't trust how I'll be with 'you' and am not sure you can handle me. At least I think that's why!

I am trying to learn that being in a community, whether that's church or family, means the good and the bad side of people, healthy and sick - starting to sound like the wedding vows! Slowly I'm showing more people the real depressed Caf, not the put on a mask "happy" Caf.

I realised the other day that I'm on the highest dose of anti-depressants I've been on and they're not working as well as they could. Part of that is intentional. I know from the last time with depression that when they are at the proper level I felt spaced-out much of the time. Admittedly that got me through the days, weeks and months but I know I wasn't really there. This time round I know I have to be in touch with my thoughts and as I'm having prayer ministry I felt it important to be able to connect with feelings to deal with them. Having said that, it is extremely hard and very energy-zapping.

I feel quite amazed at how I am though. On one hand I do feel very depressed and worse than last time. But at the same time I'm (just about) holding down a full-time, full hours, job. Ok, that's just about it at the mo, no energy for socialising. I have to ensure I make it to work or things will change there. Last time I had to have time off work. Part of me is wondering if that'd be better but I'm not convinced it would help. I feel supported and lifted up. I know this is the Holy Spirit sustaining me. I am in a very dark, sad place but feel lifted up. I know some of you don't have the same relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as I do and may not understand how that can be. I cannot explain it. I pray that you'll come to know more for yourself (but not through depression).

I do recognise some of the darker thought patterns, unfortunately - well, in the sense that the thoughts are back, not that I'm recognising them! I scared myself a couple of months ago. I felt I could take no more of this and wanted it to end. I couldn't believe that thought was back. Thankfully I realised where this could lead and had to stop the thought process before it spiraled downwards even darker. I'm no Psychologist so not sure if this is true, but to me suicidal thoughts and wanting to commit suicide are two different things, although thoughts can lead into actions. I was distressed by wanting to end things.

Before suffering from this deeper depression I had the view, as it seems the majority of people do, that suicide is the easy way out and selfish. Well, during 2001 - 2005 I tried 4 times to end my life. To me, it was the most self-less thing I could do. I could see how much my illness was affecting family and friends and the pain I was causing them. I couldn't see a way out of the darkness and became so tired of it. I am soooooo glad I rejected most ways and only ended up taking too many anti-depressants. Part of me was wondering if it'd make me better and if I died it'd be a release for everyone.

So back to a couple of months ago, being a follower of Jesus and wanting to end my life caused additional conflict. It is not down to me to decide when I die, that's God's job. That's when I cried out to God with all my strength. I had to stop the spiral now before it got out of control. Thankfully it stopped. Also I know there is a way out of this darkness. I've been healed before, I will be healed again. I just need to keep on the rocky journey of healing - facing and opening up baggage I've been carrying around for far too long.

Prayer ministry is good. I find meeting up with Linda and Lila a catalyst to healing until we meet again. The time in between meeting up varies, 2 weeks or can be 3 weeks. Within that time I receive revelation or healing for different issues. In 2 weeks time I've agreed to have a long ministry session to see how much freedom I can receive and see which walls will come tumbling down. I'm excited and anxious at the same time. Although I don't like how I feel it's familiar. I've been like this to some degree for the past 2 years. To think that in 2 weeks time I can be healed is a strange feeling. I've put my life on hold during this depression and now need to think about my life again. I do have sight of the bigger picture of this depression and that's been keeping me going. To think that the bigger picture could be around the corner is strange.

These 2 weeks will be filled with preparation for a new me. A time to think again what I want to do in Northern Ireland, a time to get creative again and connect others to their creativity, a time to have fun and lots of it. There's so much I want to do here and it's just around the corner.

Frankie Says ...

http://flic.kr/p/aG4J

Thursday 16th July 2009

Citygroup was last night (Redeemer Central weekly meeting) It's odd – I don't feel like the new person. I know I don't really know these people but that really doesn't matter. It was such a good meeting – great worship and a great time together.
I arranged to meet Kelly and Jules in the city today. My first adventure out – yay can get to the city by bus. Not that it's difficult but still an achievement!
I feel we were really blessed – on the way to the coffee shop we were offered a free frappé then we filled out a form which enabled us to have a free coffee. Great. It was good being able to spend time with the girls.
After Kelly left Jules and I headed off to Oxfam Vintage shop as we have an 80's party to go to tomorrow. It was great fun looking through what they had and trying on some things. I didn't want to spend too much. It was so strange looking at the clothes in Primark – 80's is definitely back in. Great clothes, still as colourful! (yes, I'm admitting I was there the first time round). I'm looking forward to seeing what the others have found.
One thing I'm enjoying is being able to spend time studying and as much time as I need/want to in prayer. I thought I'd make the most of the spare time I have while I can as I know when I'm at work I'll be tired again and a lot less time.
I love the way I start praying for things and then go off on a tangent – something I hadn't even thought about. That's why it's good keeping a journal to see where the Holy Spirit leads the prayers.

Hotline To Heaven

http://flic.kr/p/auhHX8

Sunday 7th June 2009
Lesley at church asked where I was over Easter. I said at Love Belfast. She asked if I was alright there as she had a desperate need to pray for protection over me. Wow, God's amazing. As I wrote in my entry about Love Belfast it was a great time and lots of revelation but at the same time it was a very challenging time.

Another World

http://flic.kr/p/D7U5n

Wednesday 2nd June 2009

What a scary place the job centre in Dereham is. I had an interview to register with them. There weren't many people about when I went in. After filling in various forms and creating a Job Seekers Agreement I was free to go! I turned round and there were lots and lots of people. The atmosphere in that place had significantly. I could sense a huge cloud of frustration and anger I had to walk through. Ouch, I hope I don't lose my peace.
I've been praying lots for energy to keep on tidying and sorting through things. This is hard. I feel there are barriers I need to cross but haven't worked out what they are yet to be able to pray specifically for them. I know I can do this through Your strength.

"Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7

How have I forgotton that verse? It's strange how reading it again it prompts me – praying I don't forget (but remembering verses is not my strong point!).

Lost In Praise Forevermore

http://flic.kr/p/2HAGBD

Thursday 29th May 2009

Last night I made sure I was able to pray and worship the same time Citygroup was happening like I did last week. It was strange, I'd made this decision last week and speaking to Trish before she went to Citygroup she suggested I do that.

I had a long time worshipping and again the prayers were flowing. My main prayers were protection – physically, mentally and spiritually - over all involved in the church plant.

I prayed against any attempt hairy legs would make during my sleep tonight as last week I was spiritually attacked. I prayed but each time they came back until I got out of bed and demanded they flee from me in Jesus' name – they went then and I had a lovely sleep.

Tonight I gave a short presentation to the church about the work going on in Serbia. There were lots of questions being asked. I prayed earlier on in the day that some people would attend. Quite a few people came – it's half-term so some families are away and couldn't make it. It was better to do it this week as the centre is booked up for another few weeks. I had to re-do my presentation. I was upset as the one I had prepared was quite good with a variety of photo's to break up my talking. My pc crashed and wouldn't turn on. I had 30 minutes to pull a presentation together. I was very limited with my photo's I could use, but a brief presentation was made.