Just another Bank Holiday?

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I don't always remember my dreams. Sometimes I'll wake up knowing it was a really strange dream but have no memory of what it was about. Others, I'll remember vividly and have to spend time working out it was a dream or did it actually happen. 

One morning last week was a bit like this exceptI sat bolt upright and heard myself saying "...but Easter is more important than Christmas". Haven't a clue why I'd say that. As I lay back down I thought about this a bit more.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Christmas is a great thing to celebrate - God becoming flesh and choosing to be born in a fallen world. He could have come to earth as a 32 year old male in time to gather His disciples and teach, heal and bring the Kingdom to earth. But he didn’t. He was born and grew up with experiences we can relate to over 2000 years later. It’s such a shame that for far too many Christmas is a break from work (if you’re lucky enough not to work in retail and other professions that have to work) and what presents are we going to get. How many people think about Christ being born?

Let’s think of Easter. What does it mean to you? Is it how many eggs you get? Did you receive more than your friend? Some people will think of images they’ve seen. How many thought about a cross with Jesus on it? To me, Easter isn’t about Jesus on the cross - that’s only part of the story, like watching a box set except the last episode which explains all your questions. It’s not about the tomb where Jesus lay. It’s about the empty tomb, Jesus defeated death, He died and rose again. Jesus gave His life for me - and YOU so we could live in the freedom of abundant grace and mercy.

Light in the darkness

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So long has gone by since my last post. Being quiet on the Caf-front is not usually a good thing. I seem to hide away when things get challenging. Sometimes it's to get strength for the next day, others it could be because I don't trust how I'll be with 'you' and am not sure you can handle me. At least I think that's why!

I am trying to learn that being in a community, whether that's church or family, means the good and the bad side of people, healthy and sick - starting to sound like the wedding vows! Slowly I'm showing more people the real depressed Caf, not the put on a mask "happy" Caf.

I realised the other day that I'm on the highest dose of anti-depressants I've been on and they're not working as well as they could. Part of that is intentional. I know from the last time with depression that when they are at the proper level I felt spaced-out much of the time. Admittedly that got me through the days, weeks and months but I know I wasn't really there. This time round I know I have to be in touch with my thoughts and as I'm having prayer ministry I felt it important to be able to connect with feelings to deal with them. Having said that, it is extremely hard and very energy-zapping.

I feel quite amazed at how I am though. On one hand I do feel very depressed and worse than last time. But at the same time I'm (just about) holding down a full-time, full hours, job. Ok, that's just about it at the mo, no energy for socialising. I have to ensure I make it to work or things will change there. Last time I had to have time off work. Part of me is wondering if that'd be better but I'm not convinced it would help. I feel supported and lifted up. I know this is the Holy Spirit sustaining me. I am in a very dark, sad place but feel lifted up. I know some of you don't have the same relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as I do and may not understand how that can be. I cannot explain it. I pray that you'll come to know more for yourself (but not through depression).

I do recognise some of the darker thought patterns, unfortunately - well, in the sense that the thoughts are back, not that I'm recognising them! I scared myself a couple of months ago. I felt I could take no more of this and wanted it to end. I couldn't believe that thought was back. Thankfully I realised where this could lead and had to stop the thought process before it spiraled downwards even darker. I'm no Psychologist so not sure if this is true, but to me suicidal thoughts and wanting to commit suicide are two different things, although thoughts can lead into actions. I was distressed by wanting to end things.

Before suffering from this deeper depression I had the view, as it seems the majority of people do, that suicide is the easy way out and selfish. Well, during 2001 - 2005 I tried 4 times to end my life. To me, it was the most self-less thing I could do. I could see how much my illness was affecting family and friends and the pain I was causing them. I couldn't see a way out of the darkness and became so tired of it. I am soooooo glad I rejected most ways and only ended up taking too many anti-depressants. Part of me was wondering if it'd make me better and if I died it'd be a release for everyone.

So back to a couple of months ago, being a follower of Jesus and wanting to end my life caused additional conflict. It is not down to me to decide when I die, that's God's job. That's when I cried out to God with all my strength. I had to stop the spiral now before it got out of control. Thankfully it stopped. Also I know there is a way out of this darkness. I've been healed before, I will be healed again. I just need to keep on the rocky journey of healing - facing and opening up baggage I've been carrying around for far too long.

Prayer ministry is good. I find meeting up with Linda and Lila a catalyst to healing until we meet again. The time in between meeting up varies, 2 weeks or can be 3 weeks. Within that time I receive revelation or healing for different issues. In 2 weeks time I've agreed to have a long ministry session to see how much freedom I can receive and see which walls will come tumbling down. I'm excited and anxious at the same time. Although I don't like how I feel it's familiar. I've been like this to some degree for the past 2 years. To think that in 2 weeks time I can be healed is a strange feeling. I've put my life on hold during this depression and now need to think about my life again. I do have sight of the bigger picture of this depression and that's been keeping me going. To think that the bigger picture could be around the corner is strange.

These 2 weeks will be filled with preparation for a new me. A time to think again what I want to do in Northern Ireland, a time to get creative again and connect others to their creativity, a time to have fun and lots of it. There's so much I want to do here and it's just around the corner.

Goodbye Oh Yeah, hello The Space

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We reached another landmark meeting yesterday. Citygroup:Sunday is having to change venues. We've outgrown the Oh Yeah Centre. Can you believe that? DC mentioned yesterday about our first meeting there round a couple of tables and look how we've grown. It's amazing. I cannot wait to see what rooms there are for children's work. They've been doing a great job with the limited space they have. It's going to be great to have space to be able to do really embrace the vision. I'm so excited. I'm still hands off at the mo as I feel it's wrong to get involved when I'm not in a good place. I have faith for healing and getting fully involved again. The sticky floors, having to hoover up the bar area or building area before we can set up will soon be a memory. Although I wonder what delights await us from The Space? It's part of Queen's University Student Union building. I feel I'm surrounded by students on all sides now. Is He trying to tell me something? Those student hangout nights in Nis will be put to good use soon, I think.

Rain, wind, baptisms and friendships

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At the beginning of November - the 5th until 7th - Redeemer Central went mobile. Well, to Ballintoy to be exact. We had a weekend away. I was excited for so many reasons - one being I hadn't ventured up to the north coast yet and was finally going to get to see it, or so I thought. I saw very little, but it doesn't matter just means another day out exploring later on.
The hard times were hard. I was feeling very challenged. I really wanted to spend as much time with people as possible so when I had to go upstairs it was a battle of the mind. Eventually I got to the stage where I realised that going upstairs was a good thing - a positive thing - as long as I made it back downstairs again.

We had a service on Saturday night and Sunday morning which were both powerful. God gave me a scripture before we started to worship. I wasn't sure what to do with it so just left it for a while. I still haven't the confidence to know if it is for me or needs to be shared yet. I remember towards the end of the service more was being said (I cannot remember if DC preached or not) and it was becoming clearer to me the scripture was to be shared. As soon as I realised that there was no hesitation, I had to bring it. I think I would grabbed the microphone had the meeting ended - I felt that strongly it was for now. I was reminded of Isaiah 40:29

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted, but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

This passage was given to me a few weeks ago and I felt there were too many others who felt the same and who needed to be reminded that however they were feeling or going through God could still use them and He'd give them the strength to endure. I also think this verse was brought again on Sunday just gone. We had four baptisms on Saturday. We all went down to Ballintoy Harbour which was slightly sheltered. I cannot imagine how cold the water was. I didn't realise how cold I had got until I got back and took off my coat. I ended up with more layers on under the duvet for about 20 mins trying to warm up again. Thankfully lunch was homemade soup which definitely helped restore some heat.

We had planned on going for a walk in the afternoon but the weather had other ideas. It was pouring with rain and didn't let up for ages. Some people had brought some games which people were huddled around, there was sharing of make up skills, hand massages were done and a bit of fun all round, me thinks, was had. I was amazed how many people came along.

My eyes were opened again to how many people are part of the Redeemer community. There were some unable to come to the weekend but even without them there were alot more than I had realised.
It was so good to spend quality time with people and get to speak to some I hadn't before. I found it a struggle being with people the whole weekend. I found a way of coping, head up to the dorm and relax until felt able to cope again.

Row, row, row your boat...

I've downloaded a daily Bible reading plan application onto my blackberry in the hope that at the very least I can read something every day. Of course, that hasn't happened. I've just worked out I can go back to the days I've missed and read them. So that's what I've started to do.


One of the bible plans is "The Essential 100 Challenge". I thought it'd be good to read some of the more important verses to refresh my limited knowledge of the Bible. I try to read with an enquiring mind - not "just read" the words.

I'm sitting here with my phone, trying to find the first missed passage. Back and back I go - I'm only on day 34 but flicking back seems to take ages. Aha, found it. Day 2! Surely not! Oh, now I remember, I didn't realise you had to click the forward arrow for it to register the passage has been read. I remember reading the passage and thought I'd read it again.

I was struck by Noah and the ark. When I'd finished reading Genesis 7 it made me think about why God had felt He needed to do this. I'm not questionning the all-knowing God, but what was the world like for Him to do that? How does it compare to today's world? And the question I've heard alot - if you heard God saying build an ark, would you? Of course, He's promised to never flood the whole earth again so He'd probably never ask us to do that.

So many questions are flying around my head. The main one is - if I was asked to something out of my comfort zone - totally out of my comfort zone - how obedient would I be? What about you? Do you think you'd do it?

Rejoice together

What an amazing week I've had. I have been feeling God's peace so much over the past few weeks. I've been amazed at how calm I've been. Let me tell you about the past few weeks.
About 3 weeks ago I was doing my irregular breast check and came across something that felt different. My heart stopped, pulled my hand away as quick as if it had touched something hot and had to stifle a scream (I didn't want to wake up Alison - housemate - as it was the very early hours of the morning, something I've got acquainted with lately!). I took a deep breath, cleared my head and had another feel. Yup, definitely a bump where there wasn't one before. "OK" I thought. "I cannot do anything about it right now, better get to sleep and I'll check it out first thing".

I didn't give it another thought, until the following Monday night as I was getting changed for bed. My hand brushed past my breast and I felt a bump again. Was I imagining it? Nope. It was definitely there. I carried on getting ready for bed and knew where I'd be sitting from 8.30 the next morning - in the Doctor's surgery at the open surgery. I had a great night sleep.
I requested I saw a female doctor. Normally you cannot specify who you see but thankfully I got to see one (didn't realise we had 2 at the surgery). She was really good and listened to me and the family history. She had a quick check and said she had a feeling it wasn't anything sinister but it must be checked out. She said she'd fast-track me due to family history. She made me promise that if it turned out all OK I would come back to see her and she'd refer me to the family history clinic to discuss potential risk with me. I said that I would and thanked her as I'd been trying for 17 years for someone to refer me. I love the health service over here!
I got an appointment within 2 weeks. Thankfully it was a one-stop clinic where you have the tests and results on the same day. It must be a nightmare waiting for these results. The closer the appointment came the more nervous I got as I was going to get a definite answer. The Sunday, day before, was the worst. The unknown is a very scary thing. It can grab hold of you if you'd let it. I kept having to say quick prayers.
On the whole the 2 weeks waiting for the appointment flew by. I thought they may have dragged but at times, in fact most of the time I'd forgotten about the bump and the nearing appointment. I can only put that to God's peace on me. I've a nature to worry about things so having this I thought I may be in a state but Ma was right. She said that when she knew she had Cancer it was not as scary as the possibility of having it. It still amazes me how she faced each day with it, especially during the end. I'm not sure how much of what I saw of her was a front and she was crumbling inside but I was with her practically 24/7 so perhaps she was at peace with the world...I think I need to leave this for another post! Getting a bit sidetracked.
Anyway, I started to get really panicky walking to the bus stop to get home for the appointment. Have you ever been paralysed with fear? That's how it felt. I wanted to run and hide but couldn't work out where to go, how to get wherever. My mind was racing away from me. I then came to myself. I realised I could carry on down this thought process and possibly go mad (at least it felt I would!) or to give up my fear in prayer to Jesus. He didn't give His life for us to live in fear. So I prayed. Before I had finished I felt it rise from me to be replaced with peace.
I had that peace at the hospital. I have to say a big thank you to Leah for coming with me. I'm more confident with someone with me. I'm so glad she brought a book with her. I didn't realise most of the waiting would be done in another waiting room with a cape draped around my shoulders with Velcro that didn't keep the cape shut! Thankfully only women were in the waiting room and all having the same problem. I couldn't wait to get dressed again, it took hours.
I'd heard from friends about mammograms so prepared myself for pain. I was surprised. Either I've forgotten how bad it was or I didn't think it was as bad as I thought it'd be. I'm glad as they had to take 4. I don't think I'd have let her do the other 3 if it'd have hurt the first one!
Next came the ultrasound. That was interesting. I was shown the bump-s. BUMPS... wow and yuk. I'm still not sure about the amount of bumps there are. I was told that the bumps are in fact cysts and I have quite a few of them. The nurse drained 2 of the biggest and sent off some of the liquid to be checked. I wanted her to get rid of the others but she wouldn't do that.
I went back to see the Nurse to be told all OK and can go home and relax. She explained about cysts and that she'd make an appointment to go back in 12 months for mammogram and another appointment to get the results. At last, finally being monitored. They cannot do anything genetically as they need a member of the family with Cancer to check their blood for the faulty gene. But even if they could do that and found the gene it still isn't a firm conclusion that someone will develop breast cancer. So I feel quite happy with being monitored.
It seems to be spurring me on to look at my eating again. Looks like I'll be getting out the cook books soon and starting to create and eat properly - hopefully lose the extra pounds too (too many to count but have to start somewhere). Also keep fit craze is definitely brewing - I'm doing a 5km walk next week - argh, is it that near! My aim is to be able run the 10km next year
That was enough to celebrate and think what a great week it's been, but it gets even better...
I got a voicemail on my mobile from the job and benefits office I was registered with when I moved over here, to Belfast. What on earth did they want? I rang them straight back. I was told she had good news for me, no in fact very, very good news. I was told at the time I couldn't get income based benefits and had to use my limited overdraft. I ran out of money 5 days before starting my job, didn't have money to get to work (but again, that's another story). I was told my national insurance records has been updated - yay Norfolk had finally amended my payments to the correct number - and it meant that I did qualify for contributions based after all. So after having the information checked I'm due to have job seekers back paid in one lump on Tuesday. Woo hoo. It's going to good use - clear my overdraft. It'll mean I'm in credit for the first time in a long while.
So I've drawn up my budget. I thought I'd done quite well, until speaking to bro I realised I hadn't put my mobile or phone/broadband/tv down - OK not much but am going to have to revisit the budget - again! Hmm, have to be creative this time.
So two amazing things (at least) to praise and be thankful for.

What is that noise?...it's my heart breaking again

No, I'm not talking about a romantic type of heart-broken-ness.

I was in the office on my own this afternoon when a key worker and his client (I'm sure there's a better word) came in. We got chatting about where he's at. I was surprised at the banter going on and how easy it was. His key worker had a quick chat about him to me. I won't divulge only that he's another youngster in Flax Foyer. For the non-Belfastians reading it's an organisation who support vulnerable young adults. This particular Foyer offers flats for people coming out of care, ex-offenders and self-referrals. We get quite a few referrals from them.

 

After they left I felt really, really down. I know we are all different people and different things happen along life's path but it really saddens me when a 16 year old (any age really) has lost touch with their family and is left to fend for themselves. I've seen a few over this year and some of them seem so lost.

I realise there are times when it is best to be out of the family situation for their own safety but some of the situations I wonder how it's come to that. I just want to wrap these peeps up and show them the love I was blessed to receive growing up.

Yes, I was spoilt and sheltered growing up and suddenly felt like I had to fend for myself. I was lucky in that I had a supportive brother who refused to give up on me - I can never thank you enough, Chris for the love and support and the friendship that's grown over the years. But what about those who aren't as lucky?
I don't know how I'd have got through the last 10 years without support from Chris and Barb & co and then more recently having my faith.
The amount who need help feels overwhelming at the moment and I wonder if others feel the same. But how many of us try to change things? If we all did something, doesn't have to be a huge enormous thing, a simple thing like getting to know your neighbours, think what a difference that'd make.

Changing community one person at a time.

Time to get on my knees and pray...