He can heal

http://tiny.cc/pvp3rw

I have 1.5 weeks before I go back to work and I'm trying to get ready for it. The only problem is as soon as I start to think about going back I feel worse. I'm not sure at the moment that is the best thing to do. But is being off doing me any good? Not really.

I was outside a minute ago in despair and then realised I don't have to do this alone. So I cried out to God. What amazing peace I have. I was reminded of something a friend wrote to me - "work does not define who I am". So true. Whatever work throws at me next week shouldn't make me feel worse.

I am so thankful for family and friends at the moment. Keep praying guys. I need to get back in community with you.

Again, at the start of a new year I know of a major change that will happen and am so hopeful of another. So here's to improvement on the job front and I know I will be healed from this awful depression - hoping it will be this year.

I have to get work sorted out so I can book a great holiday towards the end of the year. So looking forward to being with the Mowbs again. Only wish it could be right now! At least half of the Mowbs-clan is happy at the mo.

So I have a plan of action. Just need to get on with it. So here's to tidying the house and to starting applying again. Somethings gotta change, and that is me. Just need to make that first step

What is stopping you from moving on?
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media

Welcome 2012

http://tinyurl.com/76artdo

Over a month has gone since I last wrote here. Oops. I cannot believe how fast time is going. At times I sit and wonder what I have to show for it. Does that really matter in the eternal-sense not having "things" to show for it? The question really is - have I made use of the time? Hmm, I think that needs to be addressed.

I find it strange when I start writing, I have an idea where I want the post to go, then suddenly, like above it's taken a total new, surprising direction. I'll come back to where the last paragraph ended in another post.

I cannot believe how much has happened recently in/for Redeemer Central. It is so amazing. Sunday 8th January 2012 was our first service in our new home. The week before people gave up their time to clean and decorate the building. What a transformation. I love the way the character of the building is still visible and hasn't been hidden. I feel it has only been enhanced. Old meets new comes to mind - Redeemer have put their touch to the building, tastefully.

It feels like we've always been using the building, not our first service - like coming home. There is room for growth - a great visual reminder of why we are here, why any church is here...


I spent a lovely Christmas with Chris, Barbie, Megs, Pam and the family. It was so good to have a week with them instead of the usual 2/3 days quick visit. I'd left it too late to contact people to see if I could come and see them. Out of a potential 6 visits I made 0. I should have got in touch as soon as the flights were booked to see who was around. I had wanted to make use of having a base in Essex to visit people. It was good not to have to run around everywhere, which it probably would have been had everyone got back to me, so it was a blessing as I did need to have a rest after the last few months at work.

I had mixed feelings at New Year. Apart from having a bug and being in bed, looking ahead to next 12 months was difficult at first. It's amazing how Scripture can stand out at the right time. I was listening to UCB on my DAB radio and heard

Anxiety is looking to the future without God

That made me stop and think. I know I cannot have a future with God. So that has helped me to stay calmer and look at the next 12 months in a different light. I feel quite blessed to know of a couple of major changes that will happen this year. I'm not too sure when exactly they'll occur but I'm pretty confident they will happen this year.

Redeemer Central has continued to grow, not just in numbers, spiritually too. We spent a few months at the end of last year going through the Prodigal Son parable using a study guide by Tim Keller. It was great to go through this in our Citygroup knowing the rest of the Citygroups were studying the same. It was such a good time together we are continuing to study over the next few months. I do miss the bible studies I had in Nis, a chance to go deeper with others. I hadn't realised how much I missed them until we started studying together in Citygroup.

Talking of Citygroups...Citygroup South has now multiplied, tonight in fact. I'm so excited I cannot sleep so I thought I'd update the blog. It is amazing how quickly the group has grown. There are 32 people in the South who have shown interest in our midweek group. We are now 2 groups in the South.

Going back to the changes this year ...I think the first change will be my job. The new structures have been issued and my role isn't there. Without going into too much detail as it's a blog in the public domain and also I don't want to be dishonourable - I came to the conclusion that I need to move on in my role due to working relationships. That is such a hard decision. I absolutely love my role - it's all the politics that go with it that is a problem. I'm keeping faith that God knows my heart for my job and will provide a better role. I like the contact with the students.

The restructuring is going to be a difficult time. I keep being reminded to look at what is best for me and not to worry about the Programme, it's hard after all the work I've put into it. Things are working so much better now, procedures are in place, documents are to hand. Part of me feels all of the work I've done is for nothing - as in the amount of work the Team Leaders have to do they won't have time to maintain what I've put in place. Why put me in this role only to be taken out of it 2 years later?

I have to remember I cannot see the bigger picture. I need to have faith that the people in charge of the restructuring also have a bigger picture and this will work well in it.

I need to keep track on my thoughts about my job. It's so hard to let it go. I don't mean I'm not caring about it now, far from it. It's hard not knowing when I'll be moving on, where I'll be moving on to and if there's time in between roles. But isn't that where faith comes in? Believing the unseeable?

The other major change is Chris, Barbie, Megs and Pam will be emigrating to Australia sometime from July onwards. I am so happy for them, it's something they've been working towards since 2005 and it's finally got the go ahead. On the other hand, being totally selfish - it's making me so sad. I love them to bits. It will break my heart to see them go. I cannot think of that at the moment, it's too painful. Nope - cannot write the rest at the mo...
 
Anyway...desperately trying to think of something else to write. I cannot, so I think I'll leave this post for now.
 
Praise

• Redeemer Central's city-centre building
• Citygroup:South multiplication
• Continued emotional healing throughout last year
• Able to have a summer holiday

Prayer

• I have courage to continue with emotional healing
• Issues still need to deal with are identified
• Peace re job situation
• Improved general health (no more colds!)

Light in the darkness

http://www.tiny.cc/jn9ma

So long has gone by since my last post. Being quiet on the Caf-front is not usually a good thing. I seem to hide away when things get challenging. Sometimes it's to get strength for the next day, others it could be because I don't trust how I'll be with 'you' and am not sure you can handle me. At least I think that's why!

I am trying to learn that being in a community, whether that's church or family, means the good and the bad side of people, healthy and sick - starting to sound like the wedding vows! Slowly I'm showing more people the real depressed Caf, not the put on a mask "happy" Caf.

I realised the other day that I'm on the highest dose of anti-depressants I've been on and they're not working as well as they could. Part of that is intentional. I know from the last time with depression that when they are at the proper level I felt spaced-out much of the time. Admittedly that got me through the days, weeks and months but I know I wasn't really there. This time round I know I have to be in touch with my thoughts and as I'm having prayer ministry I felt it important to be able to connect with feelings to deal with them. Having said that, it is extremely hard and very energy-zapping.

I feel quite amazed at how I am though. On one hand I do feel very depressed and worse than last time. But at the same time I'm (just about) holding down a full-time, full hours, job. Ok, that's just about it at the mo, no energy for socialising. I have to ensure I make it to work or things will change there. Last time I had to have time off work. Part of me is wondering if that'd be better but I'm not convinced it would help. I feel supported and lifted up. I know this is the Holy Spirit sustaining me. I am in a very dark, sad place but feel lifted up. I know some of you don't have the same relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as I do and may not understand how that can be. I cannot explain it. I pray that you'll come to know more for yourself (but not through depression).

I do recognise some of the darker thought patterns, unfortunately - well, in the sense that the thoughts are back, not that I'm recognising them! I scared myself a couple of months ago. I felt I could take no more of this and wanted it to end. I couldn't believe that thought was back. Thankfully I realised where this could lead and had to stop the thought process before it spiraled downwards even darker. I'm no Psychologist so not sure if this is true, but to me suicidal thoughts and wanting to commit suicide are two different things, although thoughts can lead into actions. I was distressed by wanting to end things.

Before suffering from this deeper depression I had the view, as it seems the majority of people do, that suicide is the easy way out and selfish. Well, during 2001 - 2005 I tried 4 times to end my life. To me, it was the most self-less thing I could do. I could see how much my illness was affecting family and friends and the pain I was causing them. I couldn't see a way out of the darkness and became so tired of it. I am soooooo glad I rejected most ways and only ended up taking too many anti-depressants. Part of me was wondering if it'd make me better and if I died it'd be a release for everyone.

So back to a couple of months ago, being a follower of Jesus and wanting to end my life caused additional conflict. It is not down to me to decide when I die, that's God's job. That's when I cried out to God with all my strength. I had to stop the spiral now before it got out of control. Thankfully it stopped. Also I know there is a way out of this darkness. I've been healed before, I will be healed again. I just need to keep on the rocky journey of healing - facing and opening up baggage I've been carrying around for far too long.

Prayer ministry is good. I find meeting up with Linda and Lila a catalyst to healing until we meet again. The time in between meeting up varies, 2 weeks or can be 3 weeks. Within that time I receive revelation or healing for different issues. In 2 weeks time I've agreed to have a long ministry session to see how much freedom I can receive and see which walls will come tumbling down. I'm excited and anxious at the same time. Although I don't like how I feel it's familiar. I've been like this to some degree for the past 2 years. To think that in 2 weeks time I can be healed is a strange feeling. I've put my life on hold during this depression and now need to think about my life again. I do have sight of the bigger picture of this depression and that's been keeping me going. To think that the bigger picture could be around the corner is strange.

These 2 weeks will be filled with preparation for a new me. A time to think again what I want to do in Northern Ireland, a time to get creative again and connect others to their creativity, a time to have fun and lots of it. There's so much I want to do here and it's just around the corner.

Rejoice together

What an amazing week I've had. I have been feeling God's peace so much over the past few weeks. I've been amazed at how calm I've been. Let me tell you about the past few weeks.
About 3 weeks ago I was doing my irregular breast check and came across something that felt different. My heart stopped, pulled my hand away as quick as if it had touched something hot and had to stifle a scream (I didn't want to wake up Alison - housemate - as it was the very early hours of the morning, something I've got acquainted with lately!). I took a deep breath, cleared my head and had another feel. Yup, definitely a bump where there wasn't one before. "OK" I thought. "I cannot do anything about it right now, better get to sleep and I'll check it out first thing".

I didn't give it another thought, until the following Monday night as I was getting changed for bed. My hand brushed past my breast and I felt a bump again. Was I imagining it? Nope. It was definitely there. I carried on getting ready for bed and knew where I'd be sitting from 8.30 the next morning - in the Doctor's surgery at the open surgery. I had a great night sleep.
I requested I saw a female doctor. Normally you cannot specify who you see but thankfully I got to see one (didn't realise we had 2 at the surgery). She was really good and listened to me and the family history. She had a quick check and said she had a feeling it wasn't anything sinister but it must be checked out. She said she'd fast-track me due to family history. She made me promise that if it turned out all OK I would come back to see her and she'd refer me to the family history clinic to discuss potential risk with me. I said that I would and thanked her as I'd been trying for 17 years for someone to refer me. I love the health service over here!
I got an appointment within 2 weeks. Thankfully it was a one-stop clinic where you have the tests and results on the same day. It must be a nightmare waiting for these results. The closer the appointment came the more nervous I got as I was going to get a definite answer. The Sunday, day before, was the worst. The unknown is a very scary thing. It can grab hold of you if you'd let it. I kept having to say quick prayers.
On the whole the 2 weeks waiting for the appointment flew by. I thought they may have dragged but at times, in fact most of the time I'd forgotten about the bump and the nearing appointment. I can only put that to God's peace on me. I've a nature to worry about things so having this I thought I may be in a state but Ma was right. She said that when she knew she had Cancer it was not as scary as the possibility of having it. It still amazes me how she faced each day with it, especially during the end. I'm not sure how much of what I saw of her was a front and she was crumbling inside but I was with her practically 24/7 so perhaps she was at peace with the world...I think I need to leave this for another post! Getting a bit sidetracked.
Anyway, I started to get really panicky walking to the bus stop to get home for the appointment. Have you ever been paralysed with fear? That's how it felt. I wanted to run and hide but couldn't work out where to go, how to get wherever. My mind was racing away from me. I then came to myself. I realised I could carry on down this thought process and possibly go mad (at least it felt I would!) or to give up my fear in prayer to Jesus. He didn't give His life for us to live in fear. So I prayed. Before I had finished I felt it rise from me to be replaced with peace.
I had that peace at the hospital. I have to say a big thank you to Leah for coming with me. I'm more confident with someone with me. I'm so glad she brought a book with her. I didn't realise most of the waiting would be done in another waiting room with a cape draped around my shoulders with Velcro that didn't keep the cape shut! Thankfully only women were in the waiting room and all having the same problem. I couldn't wait to get dressed again, it took hours.
I'd heard from friends about mammograms so prepared myself for pain. I was surprised. Either I've forgotten how bad it was or I didn't think it was as bad as I thought it'd be. I'm glad as they had to take 4. I don't think I'd have let her do the other 3 if it'd have hurt the first one!
Next came the ultrasound. That was interesting. I was shown the bump-s. BUMPS... wow and yuk. I'm still not sure about the amount of bumps there are. I was told that the bumps are in fact cysts and I have quite a few of them. The nurse drained 2 of the biggest and sent off some of the liquid to be checked. I wanted her to get rid of the others but she wouldn't do that.
I went back to see the Nurse to be told all OK and can go home and relax. She explained about cysts and that she'd make an appointment to go back in 12 months for mammogram and another appointment to get the results. At last, finally being monitored. They cannot do anything genetically as they need a member of the family with Cancer to check their blood for the faulty gene. But even if they could do that and found the gene it still isn't a firm conclusion that someone will develop breast cancer. So I feel quite happy with being monitored.
It seems to be spurring me on to look at my eating again. Looks like I'll be getting out the cook books soon and starting to create and eat properly - hopefully lose the extra pounds too (too many to count but have to start somewhere). Also keep fit craze is definitely brewing - I'm doing a 5km walk next week - argh, is it that near! My aim is to be able run the 10km next year
That was enough to celebrate and think what a great week it's been, but it gets even better...
I got a voicemail on my mobile from the job and benefits office I was registered with when I moved over here, to Belfast. What on earth did they want? I rang them straight back. I was told she had good news for me, no in fact very, very good news. I was told at the time I couldn't get income based benefits and had to use my limited overdraft. I ran out of money 5 days before starting my job, didn't have money to get to work (but again, that's another story). I was told my national insurance records has been updated - yay Norfolk had finally amended my payments to the correct number - and it meant that I did qualify for contributions based after all. So after having the information checked I'm due to have job seekers back paid in one lump on Tuesday. Woo hoo. It's going to good use - clear my overdraft. It'll mean I'm in credit for the first time in a long while.
So I've drawn up my budget. I thought I'd done quite well, until speaking to bro I realised I hadn't put my mobile or phone/broadband/tv down - OK not much but am going to have to revisit the budget - again! Hmm, have to be creative this time.
So two amazing things (at least) to praise and be thankful for.

What love



tiny.cc/908bf



I give only one of my sins
and leave it at the cross
One of many I could chose from
If we all did that imagine the pain and anguish
at the cross
on the cross

Yet, Jesus Christ didn't only take one of my sins
He took all my sin
He took all mankind's sins

I cannot imagine the pain and anguish
the suffering He felt that day
He knew what He must endure
and the reason He must endure

From the beginning of time
He knew what was to come
He saw the bigger picture

He felt the betrayal
He felt every lash from the whip
He felt every fist, every foot beating Him
He felt every thorn thrust upon His head
He felt the weight of the cross
as He carried it to Golgotha
He felt every time the three stakes were hit
To pierce His wrists, His feet

Each bang on the stakes
We hit them
With our sin
because of our sin
He felt His Heavenly Father's wrath

Obedient to death
God's Will to be done
What love He had-He has for us
To endure that for us
For me

(c) Caf Mowbs 2010

Step By Step

http://flic.kr/p/4MfuGS

Friday 26th June 2009
What an amazing couple of days I've had. I've been blown away.

I have been blessed again. I needed to buy some paint to start decorating earlier in the week and was trying to find the cheapest shop as I didn't have much money. I looked on the mat at the front door – there was an envelope with money in (enough money to get paint and to buy some decent food). Thank You Lord Jesus for your provision and perfect timing. I ask You to bless the mystery giver(s).
I rang Steggles-Larner, a letting agency a couple of my friends are using, earlier in the week and had Chris Larner come round yesterday lunchtime. I explained I had more cleaning, tidying and decorating to do but wanted to know what else I'd need to do to let ou the house. I explained I was going on 11^th July and understand it may take a while to find someone. I instructed him to act as agents – I've made a commitment to get things done by then – was that a good idea? Only time will tell.

I slept well that night – having painted most of the living room. I got up the next morning and continued. I figured out that if I could finish downstairs on the Friday upstairs would have to be done over the weekend and I can start packing things up then. It's going to be tight and may mean not much sleep but I've got to do it.
At lunchtime on Friday Steggles-Larner called to say the family really liked the house and want to rent it. Wow, I'm amazed. It gets better. They realised I had lots of decorating to do and wondered if I would reduce the rent for 2 months to enable them to buy paint and decorate to their colours. I think I said Yes before she had even finished speaking. Such a blessing. Such a weight off my mind. The next thing on the list was working out how to get cheap carpets as the one's down are quite dirty. Do I try to get someone to clean or buy new to start with? Not sure I have the money to get new ones but will have to find it somewhere. I'm running out of time. I could feel myself starting to get stressed so turned to prayer again – just a quick one.
Then the phone rang – it was Steggles-Larner again saying they'd arrange to get the carpets cleaned and check the house is clean prior to them moving in. Of course, not doing it free of charge but at least it's something less for me. Not that I'm going to leave it dirty but if I run out of time it's not a problem.
Hallelujah – my expectation for prayers being answered is rising again. It's making me want to stop all work and just pray and pray and pray.
At around 2pm Thursday after I had a phone call requesting a viewing that evening. I said yes as long as they can see past the work I'm in the middle of. They came round about 6pm. I was a little stressed but had the feeling this was a God-incidence – God was working in this viewing. I was trying hard not to get too excited about this because they may not make a decision for a couple of weeks.

Another Answer

http://flic.kr/p/5qVKAY

Saturday 13th June 2009

As I was collecting some information I needed to take with me to Kathryn's I came across a savings statement I had forgotton about. I had started it a few years ago and had to stop paying into a while back. I wanted to keep it for an emergency. Do you know what, I think this is classed as an emergency. After talking a few things through with Kathryn I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. It is not as desperate as I first thought. Kathryn has given me some good advice.
We also chatted about what my plans are. Over the last week or so looking at my finances I realise that if no job is forthcoming soon I will get to a stage where I won't be able to afford to go over to Belfast as I won't have any money left. I've been going round in circles trying to work out what to do. My first thought was to shut up the house and leave it, get a job in Belfast then come back later on to get ready to let. Or to work hard and get the house done soon ready to let. The funny thing is I've booked my ticket – I fly on 11^th July early morning. Oooo, that's under a month away. I don't think I can get the house done in that time without lots of help – there is soooo much to do. Kathryn suggested I get an agent round this week to find out how much it could be let for and see what the way forward is for that. Watch this space.

Another World

http://flic.kr/p/D7U5n

Wednesday 2nd June 2009

What a scary place the job centre in Dereham is. I had an interview to register with them. There weren't many people about when I went in. After filling in various forms and creating a Job Seekers Agreement I was free to go! I turned round and there were lots and lots of people. The atmosphere in that place had significantly. I could sense a huge cloud of frustration and anger I had to walk through. Ouch, I hope I don't lose my peace.
I've been praying lots for energy to keep on tidying and sorting through things. This is hard. I feel there are barriers I need to cross but haven't worked out what they are yet to be able to pray specifically for them. I know I can do this through Your strength.

"Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7

How have I forgotton that verse? It's strange how reading it again it prompts me – praying I don't forget (but remembering verses is not my strong point!).