Squashed

http://tiny.cc/wfqw3

It was that time of year again a couple of weeks ago - time for a mammogram. I couldn't believe it had been a year since I had the appointment. This time I didn't feel as much discomfort - I don't know if it had anything to do with a different machine, a different nurse or I knew the "squashed" feeling wouldn't last forever. I had to find a different way to sleep a couple of days after for about a week, hey that's no problem.

A couple of hours after the mammogram I had a strange phone call from the hospital. On the letter and at the hospital they said the results would go to my GP and to contact them in a couple of weeks. The phone call was offering me an appointment to see the Doctor the next morning.  My mind froze and I said no.  I could feel myself getting worked up after the call ended. 

It would have been so easy to have got so distraught about the "what if"'s  - oh how they can destroy my peace. Thankfully I became aware of my thoughts and quickly thought calmly about the phone call. If it had been as a result of the mammogram would the results have been ready so quickly? I suspected not, no matter how efficient a place is. And I declined and they accepted that - if it was necessary to be seen quickly they would have suggested coming in soon rather than giving me the option. If a doctor asked to see me I'm sure they'd have said that. I decided the best thing to do would be to phone and speak to the clinic secretary. Which I did the next day. Spoke to a nurse who explained it all to me. Had the phone call happened a different day I'd probably have accepted it for what it was. Just being the same day got me thinking.

It made me realise how debilitating fear can be and how easily it can get a grip on life. Thankfully I was able to sit and pray and process my thoughts in peace, something I'm not always able to do. The Holy Spirit brought it's amazing peace and my fear evaporated. I need to find space at work to do this when things feel out of control. Unfortunately when I'm under pressure and accusations are flying around there isn't an opportunity to find some space to do this. I have to find a way to get through the day and hopefully find a way of dealing with it in the evening - not always something I want to do later on. I get to the point where I don't have a choice. I can run but I cannot hide! I have to face the emotions (good and bad) at some point. Thankfully the time carrying these emotions is getting shorter before releasing them. I know I cannot carry them around with me forever. I'm a new creation, being renewed daily and do not want to add more baggage to an already overloaded emotional state.

I received the test results from the hospital. It made me laugh. My results were exceptionally satisfactory. No chance of misunderstanding that result!

It is so great to be monitored yearly. I have been trying for years to be monitored through NHS and had never got the courage up or money to do it privately. It's a shame in a way I'm unable to go down the checking out genes line. It would have been good to know if the Cancer in the family is a genetic problem. Only one problem with that - I need to have family members with Cancer to check against. Hmm, a few years too late for that. And I certainly don't want any more family to be diagnosed. Even if it is genetics, it's not necessarily a guarantee of developing Cancer. It could skip a generation. That would be a good thing. Two generations is enough.

I don't spend time worrying about developing Cancer. My role model is Ma. After Pa died she suspected the Cancer had returned and was quite open about it. I'm sure she still protected me from alot of the pain - emotional and physical - she went through but she always said the not knowing was worse than the confirmation. It was something she just had to deal with and get on with it. She found the strength from somewhere to fight for as long as she did. 2 years. 2 hard years. 

Ma and I were very close. I only remember once seeing her in hospital upset. It wasn't a nice experience to see her so upset, yet at the same time I was glad she was able to share this with me. We had so many funny moments together which crack me up when I think of them. We used to cwch on the sofa and chat about most things. 

Have you ever had time with friends that are so funny each time you remember them you cannot help but laugh then try to explain to someone why it is so funny for it not to sound that funny? A case of "you had to be there".

One of those moments had to do with the song  "Pretty Woman". Ma used to do silly things like put her purse in fridge and the milk in her bag - you know, that sort of thing. (Go on, admit it, you do that from time to time. I know I do). She used to call herself 'silly woman'. She was laughing at the song and said it was about her so we tried to change the words. We only managed a couple of lines before we ended up in hysterics. I really cannot explain it. I cannot listen to the song without smiling.

I find the same thing happens with writing as when I pray. I start of thinking it is to do with one thing and before I know it it's developed into something more - I think I'll leave this post as it is and not split it...

Rejoice together

What an amazing week I've had. I have been feeling God's peace so much over the past few weeks. I've been amazed at how calm I've been. Let me tell you about the past few weeks.
About 3 weeks ago I was doing my irregular breast check and came across something that felt different. My heart stopped, pulled my hand away as quick as if it had touched something hot and had to stifle a scream (I didn't want to wake up Alison - housemate - as it was the very early hours of the morning, something I've got acquainted with lately!). I took a deep breath, cleared my head and had another feel. Yup, definitely a bump where there wasn't one before. "OK" I thought. "I cannot do anything about it right now, better get to sleep and I'll check it out first thing".

I didn't give it another thought, until the following Monday night as I was getting changed for bed. My hand brushed past my breast and I felt a bump again. Was I imagining it? Nope. It was definitely there. I carried on getting ready for bed and knew where I'd be sitting from 8.30 the next morning - in the Doctor's surgery at the open surgery. I had a great night sleep.
I requested I saw a female doctor. Normally you cannot specify who you see but thankfully I got to see one (didn't realise we had 2 at the surgery). She was really good and listened to me and the family history. She had a quick check and said she had a feeling it wasn't anything sinister but it must be checked out. She said she'd fast-track me due to family history. She made me promise that if it turned out all OK I would come back to see her and she'd refer me to the family history clinic to discuss potential risk with me. I said that I would and thanked her as I'd been trying for 17 years for someone to refer me. I love the health service over here!
I got an appointment within 2 weeks. Thankfully it was a one-stop clinic where you have the tests and results on the same day. It must be a nightmare waiting for these results. The closer the appointment came the more nervous I got as I was going to get a definite answer. The Sunday, day before, was the worst. The unknown is a very scary thing. It can grab hold of you if you'd let it. I kept having to say quick prayers.
On the whole the 2 weeks waiting for the appointment flew by. I thought they may have dragged but at times, in fact most of the time I'd forgotten about the bump and the nearing appointment. I can only put that to God's peace on me. I've a nature to worry about things so having this I thought I may be in a state but Ma was right. She said that when she knew she had Cancer it was not as scary as the possibility of having it. It still amazes me how she faced each day with it, especially during the end. I'm not sure how much of what I saw of her was a front and she was crumbling inside but I was with her practically 24/7 so perhaps she was at peace with the world...I think I need to leave this for another post! Getting a bit sidetracked.
Anyway, I started to get really panicky walking to the bus stop to get home for the appointment. Have you ever been paralysed with fear? That's how it felt. I wanted to run and hide but couldn't work out where to go, how to get wherever. My mind was racing away from me. I then came to myself. I realised I could carry on down this thought process and possibly go mad (at least it felt I would!) or to give up my fear in prayer to Jesus. He didn't give His life for us to live in fear. So I prayed. Before I had finished I felt it rise from me to be replaced with peace.
I had that peace at the hospital. I have to say a big thank you to Leah for coming with me. I'm more confident with someone with me. I'm so glad she brought a book with her. I didn't realise most of the waiting would be done in another waiting room with a cape draped around my shoulders with Velcro that didn't keep the cape shut! Thankfully only women were in the waiting room and all having the same problem. I couldn't wait to get dressed again, it took hours.
I'd heard from friends about mammograms so prepared myself for pain. I was surprised. Either I've forgotten how bad it was or I didn't think it was as bad as I thought it'd be. I'm glad as they had to take 4. I don't think I'd have let her do the other 3 if it'd have hurt the first one!
Next came the ultrasound. That was interesting. I was shown the bump-s. BUMPS... wow and yuk. I'm still not sure about the amount of bumps there are. I was told that the bumps are in fact cysts and I have quite a few of them. The nurse drained 2 of the biggest and sent off some of the liquid to be checked. I wanted her to get rid of the others but she wouldn't do that.
I went back to see the Nurse to be told all OK and can go home and relax. She explained about cysts and that she'd make an appointment to go back in 12 months for mammogram and another appointment to get the results. At last, finally being monitored. They cannot do anything genetically as they need a member of the family with Cancer to check their blood for the faulty gene. But even if they could do that and found the gene it still isn't a firm conclusion that someone will develop breast cancer. So I feel quite happy with being monitored.
It seems to be spurring me on to look at my eating again. Looks like I'll be getting out the cook books soon and starting to create and eat properly - hopefully lose the extra pounds too (too many to count but have to start somewhere). Also keep fit craze is definitely brewing - I'm doing a 5km walk next week - argh, is it that near! My aim is to be able run the 10km next year
That was enough to celebrate and think what a great week it's been, but it gets even better...
I got a voicemail on my mobile from the job and benefits office I was registered with when I moved over here, to Belfast. What on earth did they want? I rang them straight back. I was told she had good news for me, no in fact very, very good news. I was told at the time I couldn't get income based benefits and had to use my limited overdraft. I ran out of money 5 days before starting my job, didn't have money to get to work (but again, that's another story). I was told my national insurance records has been updated - yay Norfolk had finally amended my payments to the correct number - and it meant that I did qualify for contributions based after all. So after having the information checked I'm due to have job seekers back paid in one lump on Tuesday. Woo hoo. It's going to good use - clear my overdraft. It'll mean I'm in credit for the first time in a long while.
So I've drawn up my budget. I thought I'd done quite well, until speaking to bro I realised I hadn't put my mobile or phone/broadband/tv down - OK not much but am going to have to revisit the budget - again! Hmm, have to be creative this time.
So two amazing things (at least) to praise and be thankful for.

How long has it been?

tiny.cc/mygf2

I cannot believe I've been in Belfast for 10 months. The time has flown by. So what have I been up to? Well during that time quite a bit – where to start?...

We had our regional weekend away during August Bank Holiday weekend in a field in somewhere in Yorkshire – believe nearest place was Yarm. What an amazing time away together. There were 20 of us (including 4 children). It was so powerful and such a great time strategically. As a church plant the following week we were embarking on a new strategy to build community and moving Citygroup (our mid-week meeting) to a new venue. This was a valuable time away. There were many healings, physically and spiritually in our group, let alone the rest of the people attending.


“Take the ring off. It is not the wedding ring I have given you. It is an unhealthy link to your past and needs to be broken. Take it off”

My mind was racing. I knew I had to be obedient but on the other hand could I cope without it? (silly question!). I worshipped some more, then took it off. A few days after returning from North I felt I had to go a step further. I didn't want to lose the ring so I had put it into my purse – meaning most of the time it was near me. It's now in a safe place with the rest of my jewellery.

It has been years since I've been camping – I did a night in a trailer tent a few years ago but not much since then. It was absolutely freezing. This year I'm definitely bringing my thermals. It's the nights. I couldn't sleep because I was so cold – I've never had to put more clothes on to go to bed before – until now running out of oil, but that's another story!

I haven't had a weekend filled with so much laughter and tears. By the end of it I was relieved as my stomach muscles were hurting so much. But what a release there was. We all felt touched and ready for Redeemers next step.

It was such a special time away with Redeemer but also being able to spend some more time with Coleraine church and Leeds.

I was bursting with words when I came back from North full of praise and wonder at God's Glory and power. Regeneration, rejuvenation, reconciliation, redemption for the city of Belfast and the nation of Ireland.

Can you feel it rising? The power and the Glory of our Lord?
God is a loving and living God
The streets of Belfast will be filled with Your people
Living in Your fullness once more
Re-generation, re-juvenation, re-conciliation, re-demption
This city will tremble at the sound of Your name
Your church will stand firm forevermore
Your wonder and Glory will be known throughout the land
No words can declare how great You are.

I have never experienced God with such intensity and time span. I felt the spirit on me the whole weekend. I felt God released me from quite alot of things that weekend and He also revealed how some of my behaviours have a bad affect on me. One example, although may seem quite an insignificant thing has brought me such freedom. For quite a while I wore a family members wedding ring on my thumb. I cannot remember who's it was but it was a link to all the departed members. When I was stressed or concerned I used to hold on to my thumb and play with my ring, not sure if you've ever seen me doing that? I didn't realise I was doing that during one of the worship times, didn't really take too much notice. Looking back in my journal it was an emotional time of worship – sometimes I don't know if it's a happy emotion or releasing something! Then God spoke to me in such a clear way – not in a booming voice like you see in Hollywood films but I knew it was Him.