God is still providing

Although I have disappeared from the blog for way too long (been a rough time) I have been trying to discern if I should continue blogging and if so is there a particular subject matter to concentrate on. I do not have an answer to either. 

Lately I have had the feeling to continue blogging and to share parts of my life with you. I do not feel this should be a blog entirely about my day to day events. I feel it will be a mixture of things I read or watch and also about some of the struggles and victories living with depression.

I feel God is reminding me He will heal me yet in His own perfect timing. And I need to find a way of living life in the meantime. I need to do more than I have been. I have been resting, aka sleeping away free days too much. I want to say there is a whole world out there waiting for me to discover. Perhaps I need to be more realistic and say there's a whole city to discover, although next month will be getting to discover part of down under - big, happy, excited grin on my face.

I love the fact that the past year may have been my greatest challenge yet there have always been moments of relief, light in the darkness, to pull me through. 

And I am so thankful for all of you in my life for supporting me and being a friend. I cannot list you as there would be many names. 

Laughter, apparently, is the best medicine (must admit I do like to laugh, have you noticed?). What makes you laugh out loud?

Elephant in the room

http://tiny.cc/fgw8pw

What a great start to the New Year. Such a fun lunch with some of the ladies from Redeemer. Thank you for such a fun time. We all contributed to the meal. Lots of fun, food and so much laughter.
Who would have thought a game of True or False would cause so many tears of laughter. There were some classic moments which I had to write down. I know some of the fun was being part of it, in the moment. So perhaps this is just a record for us to remember the moments. There are a couple of scrbook pages that need to be made.
There turned out to be a theme for the game. We learnt a lot of things about elephants.

Elders

What a night. I wasn't expecting such a powerful night.

It was a significant night for Redeemer Central. We appointed our Elders. I was blown away by the experience.

I'd had a very busy day at work and was trying to work out if I should go home, get changed, get a lift to 101 or stay at work. There was a huge desire to go home and freshen up but I knew if I did I'd struggle to come out again. So to avoid that I stayed on at work.

I was looking forward to the evening although with not much emotion - felt quite flat about it. That was until moments before I left work then a wave of excitement hit me. I felt as if I was floating walking there, in fact it didn't feel a usual walk there. I should have realised by the size of the battle I had to get there it was going to be a good evening.

Time waits for no man

http://tiny.cc/0kkmbw

So much of our life is having or getting things right here, right now. Has western Society become an "immediate" society? It doesn't wait for anything, as if it's our 'right' to have things NOW. Is that why so few people do the simplest of things such as step aside if there's not enough room for two on the pavement? Or hold the door open for others?

My road has made me think of this. During the week the cars are parked both sides on the pavement - I got used to that in Serbia. There are times not even one person can walk on the pavement. (Such a contrast to the weekend, can see quite a bit of pavement when most people return home). Most people will walk round cars on the road-side when they see someone coming towards them. At first I thought it was kind until I noticed mostly everyone does that. Perhaps it is a kindness or is it an act of selfishness? They don't want to wait a few more seconds for the other person to walk past. It is such a surprise when someone steps aside. I always make a point of saying thanks and smile. Such a small thing we can do for others yet so few do.

Are we losing the ability to connect with people on a personal, face to face basis?

Perhaps that's the reason the Big Issue sellers are so friendly to me - because I acknowledge them, show them some of God's love. At least I hope that's what they see and not just me.

What can you do today to acknowledge someone?

Light in the darkness

http://www.tiny.cc/jn9ma

So long has gone by since my last post. Being quiet on the Caf-front is not usually a good thing. I seem to hide away when things get challenging. Sometimes it's to get strength for the next day, others it could be because I don't trust how I'll be with 'you' and am not sure you can handle me. At least I think that's why!

I am trying to learn that being in a community, whether that's church or family, means the good and the bad side of people, healthy and sick - starting to sound like the wedding vows! Slowly I'm showing more people the real depressed Caf, not the put on a mask "happy" Caf.

I realised the other day that I'm on the highest dose of anti-depressants I've been on and they're not working as well as they could. Part of that is intentional. I know from the last time with depression that when they are at the proper level I felt spaced-out much of the time. Admittedly that got me through the days, weeks and months but I know I wasn't really there. This time round I know I have to be in touch with my thoughts and as I'm having prayer ministry I felt it important to be able to connect with feelings to deal with them. Having said that, it is extremely hard and very energy-zapping.

I feel quite amazed at how I am though. On one hand I do feel very depressed and worse than last time. But at the same time I'm (just about) holding down a full-time, full hours, job. Ok, that's just about it at the mo, no energy for socialising. I have to ensure I make it to work or things will change there. Last time I had to have time off work. Part of me is wondering if that'd be better but I'm not convinced it would help. I feel supported and lifted up. I know this is the Holy Spirit sustaining me. I am in a very dark, sad place but feel lifted up. I know some of you don't have the same relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as I do and may not understand how that can be. I cannot explain it. I pray that you'll come to know more for yourself (but not through depression).

I do recognise some of the darker thought patterns, unfortunately - well, in the sense that the thoughts are back, not that I'm recognising them! I scared myself a couple of months ago. I felt I could take no more of this and wanted it to end. I couldn't believe that thought was back. Thankfully I realised where this could lead and had to stop the thought process before it spiraled downwards even darker. I'm no Psychologist so not sure if this is true, but to me suicidal thoughts and wanting to commit suicide are two different things, although thoughts can lead into actions. I was distressed by wanting to end things.

Before suffering from this deeper depression I had the view, as it seems the majority of people do, that suicide is the easy way out and selfish. Well, during 2001 - 2005 I tried 4 times to end my life. To me, it was the most self-less thing I could do. I could see how much my illness was affecting family and friends and the pain I was causing them. I couldn't see a way out of the darkness and became so tired of it. I am soooooo glad I rejected most ways and only ended up taking too many anti-depressants. Part of me was wondering if it'd make me better and if I died it'd be a release for everyone.

So back to a couple of months ago, being a follower of Jesus and wanting to end my life caused additional conflict. It is not down to me to decide when I die, that's God's job. That's when I cried out to God with all my strength. I had to stop the spiral now before it got out of control. Thankfully it stopped. Also I know there is a way out of this darkness. I've been healed before, I will be healed again. I just need to keep on the rocky journey of healing - facing and opening up baggage I've been carrying around for far too long.

Prayer ministry is good. I find meeting up with Linda and Lila a catalyst to healing until we meet again. The time in between meeting up varies, 2 weeks or can be 3 weeks. Within that time I receive revelation or healing for different issues. In 2 weeks time I've agreed to have a long ministry session to see how much freedom I can receive and see which walls will come tumbling down. I'm excited and anxious at the same time. Although I don't like how I feel it's familiar. I've been like this to some degree for the past 2 years. To think that in 2 weeks time I can be healed is a strange feeling. I've put my life on hold during this depression and now need to think about my life again. I do have sight of the bigger picture of this depression and that's been keeping me going. To think that the bigger picture could be around the corner is strange.

These 2 weeks will be filled with preparation for a new me. A time to think again what I want to do in Northern Ireland, a time to get creative again and connect others to their creativity, a time to have fun and lots of it. There's so much I want to do here and it's just around the corner.

Rain, wind, baptisms and friendships

http://tiny.cc/x4es5

At the beginning of November - the 5th until 7th - Redeemer Central went mobile. Well, to Ballintoy to be exact. We had a weekend away. I was excited for so many reasons - one being I hadn't ventured up to the north coast yet and was finally going to get to see it, or so I thought. I saw very little, but it doesn't matter just means another day out exploring later on.
The hard times were hard. I was feeling very challenged. I really wanted to spend as much time with people as possible so when I had to go upstairs it was a battle of the mind. Eventually I got to the stage where I realised that going upstairs was a good thing - a positive thing - as long as I made it back downstairs again.

We had a service on Saturday night and Sunday morning which were both powerful. God gave me a scripture before we started to worship. I wasn't sure what to do with it so just left it for a while. I still haven't the confidence to know if it is for me or needs to be shared yet. I remember towards the end of the service more was being said (I cannot remember if DC preached or not) and it was becoming clearer to me the scripture was to be shared. As soon as I realised that there was no hesitation, I had to bring it. I think I would grabbed the microphone had the meeting ended - I felt that strongly it was for now. I was reminded of Isaiah 40:29

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted, but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

This passage was given to me a few weeks ago and I felt there were too many others who felt the same and who needed to be reminded that however they were feeling or going through God could still use them and He'd give them the strength to endure. I also think this verse was brought again on Sunday just gone. We had four baptisms on Saturday. We all went down to Ballintoy Harbour which was slightly sheltered. I cannot imagine how cold the water was. I didn't realise how cold I had got until I got back and took off my coat. I ended up with more layers on under the duvet for about 20 mins trying to warm up again. Thankfully lunch was homemade soup which definitely helped restore some heat.

We had planned on going for a walk in the afternoon but the weather had other ideas. It was pouring with rain and didn't let up for ages. Some people had brought some games which people were huddled around, there was sharing of make up skills, hand massages were done and a bit of fun all round, me thinks, was had. I was amazed how many people came along.

My eyes were opened again to how many people are part of the Redeemer community. There were some unable to come to the weekend but even without them there were alot more than I had realised.
It was so good to spend quality time with people and get to speak to some I hadn't before. I found it a struggle being with people the whole weekend. I found a way of coping, head up to the dorm and relax until felt able to cope again.

How long has it been?

tiny.cc/mygf2

I cannot believe I've been in Belfast for 10 months. The time has flown by. So what have I been up to? Well during that time quite a bit – where to start?...

We had our regional weekend away during August Bank Holiday weekend in a field in somewhere in Yorkshire – believe nearest place was Yarm. What an amazing time away together. There were 20 of us (including 4 children). It was so powerful and such a great time strategically. As a church plant the following week we were embarking on a new strategy to build community and moving Citygroup (our mid-week meeting) to a new venue. This was a valuable time away. There were many healings, physically and spiritually in our group, let alone the rest of the people attending.


“Take the ring off. It is not the wedding ring I have given you. It is an unhealthy link to your past and needs to be broken. Take it off”

My mind was racing. I knew I had to be obedient but on the other hand could I cope without it? (silly question!). I worshipped some more, then took it off. A few days after returning from North I felt I had to go a step further. I didn't want to lose the ring so I had put it into my purse – meaning most of the time it was near me. It's now in a safe place with the rest of my jewellery.

It has been years since I've been camping – I did a night in a trailer tent a few years ago but not much since then. It was absolutely freezing. This year I'm definitely bringing my thermals. It's the nights. I couldn't sleep because I was so cold – I've never had to put more clothes on to go to bed before – until now running out of oil, but that's another story!

I haven't had a weekend filled with so much laughter and tears. By the end of it I was relieved as my stomach muscles were hurting so much. But what a release there was. We all felt touched and ready for Redeemers next step.

It was such a special time away with Redeemer but also being able to spend some more time with Coleraine church and Leeds.

I was bursting with words when I came back from North full of praise and wonder at God's Glory and power. Regeneration, rejuvenation, reconciliation, redemption for the city of Belfast and the nation of Ireland.

Can you feel it rising? The power and the Glory of our Lord?
God is a loving and living God
The streets of Belfast will be filled with Your people
Living in Your fullness once more
Re-generation, re-juvenation, re-conciliation, re-demption
This city will tremble at the sound of Your name
Your church will stand firm forevermore
Your wonder and Glory will be known throughout the land
No words can declare how great You are.

I have never experienced God with such intensity and time span. I felt the spirit on me the whole weekend. I felt God released me from quite alot of things that weekend and He also revealed how some of my behaviours have a bad affect on me. One example, although may seem quite an insignificant thing has brought me such freedom. For quite a while I wore a family members wedding ring on my thumb. I cannot remember who's it was but it was a link to all the departed members. When I was stressed or concerned I used to hold on to my thumb and play with my ring, not sure if you've ever seen me doing that? I didn't realise I was doing that during one of the worship times, didn't really take too much notice. Looking back in my journal it was an emotional time of worship – sometimes I don't know if it's a happy emotion or releasing something! Then God spoke to me in such a clear way – not in a booming voice like you see in Hollywood films but I knew it was Him.