I stood at the window

http://tiny.cc/yvswcw

I stood at the window looking out
Yet not seeing -
Have you ever done that?
Look but not registering what you're seeing
My mind elsewhere
I sighed, a long, long sigh
Thoughts flying around my head
All mixed together
Bringing a sense of unease
Yet not knowing why

(C) Caf Mowbray 2011
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It's amazing what I find when I'm cleaning my bedroom - getting right under the bed this time. A piece of paper with this written on it. I think I wrote it when Red:Writing started yet got cold feet to go and share. Anyone remember how long ago that was?

Elders

What a night. I wasn't expecting such a powerful night.

It was a significant night for Redeemer Central. We appointed our Elders. I was blown away by the experience.

I'd had a very busy day at work and was trying to work out if I should go home, get changed, get a lift to 101 or stay at work. There was a huge desire to go home and freshen up but I knew if I did I'd struggle to come out again. So to avoid that I stayed on at work.

I was looking forward to the evening although with not much emotion - felt quite flat about it. That was until moments before I left work then a wave of excitement hit me. I felt as if I was floating walking there, in fact it didn't feel a usual walk there. I should have realised by the size of the battle I had to get there it was going to be a good evening.

Time waits for no man

http://tiny.cc/0kkmbw

So much of our life is having or getting things right here, right now. Has western Society become an "immediate" society? It doesn't wait for anything, as if it's our 'right' to have things NOW. Is that why so few people do the simplest of things such as step aside if there's not enough room for two on the pavement? Or hold the door open for others?

My road has made me think of this. During the week the cars are parked both sides on the pavement - I got used to that in Serbia. There are times not even one person can walk on the pavement. (Such a contrast to the weekend, can see quite a bit of pavement when most people return home). Most people will walk round cars on the road-side when they see someone coming towards them. At first I thought it was kind until I noticed mostly everyone does that. Perhaps it is a kindness or is it an act of selfishness? They don't want to wait a few more seconds for the other person to walk past. It is such a surprise when someone steps aside. I always make a point of saying thanks and smile. Such a small thing we can do for others yet so few do.

Are we losing the ability to connect with people on a personal, face to face basis?

Perhaps that's the reason the Big Issue sellers are so friendly to me - because I acknowledge them, show them some of God's love. At least I hope that's what they see and not just me.

What can you do today to acknowledge someone?

Welcome 2012

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Over a month has gone since I last wrote here. Oops. I cannot believe how fast time is going. At times I sit and wonder what I have to show for it. Does that really matter in the eternal-sense not having "things" to show for it? The question really is - have I made use of the time? Hmm, I think that needs to be addressed.

I find it strange when I start writing, I have an idea where I want the post to go, then suddenly, like above it's taken a total new, surprising direction. I'll come back to where the last paragraph ended in another post.

I cannot believe how much has happened recently in/for Redeemer Central. It is so amazing. Sunday 8th January 2012 was our first service in our new home. The week before people gave up their time to clean and decorate the building. What a transformation. I love the way the character of the building is still visible and hasn't been hidden. I feel it has only been enhanced. Old meets new comes to mind - Redeemer have put their touch to the building, tastefully.

It feels like we've always been using the building, not our first service - like coming home. There is room for growth - a great visual reminder of why we are here, why any church is here...


I spent a lovely Christmas with Chris, Barbie, Megs, Pam and the family. It was so good to have a week with them instead of the usual 2/3 days quick visit. I'd left it too late to contact people to see if I could come and see them. Out of a potential 6 visits I made 0. I should have got in touch as soon as the flights were booked to see who was around. I had wanted to make use of having a base in Essex to visit people. It was good not to have to run around everywhere, which it probably would have been had everyone got back to me, so it was a blessing as I did need to have a rest after the last few months at work.

I had mixed feelings at New Year. Apart from having a bug and being in bed, looking ahead to next 12 months was difficult at first. It's amazing how Scripture can stand out at the right time. I was listening to UCB on my DAB radio and heard

Anxiety is looking to the future without God

That made me stop and think. I know I cannot have a future with God. So that has helped me to stay calmer and look at the next 12 months in a different light. I feel quite blessed to know of a couple of major changes that will happen this year. I'm not too sure when exactly they'll occur but I'm pretty confident they will happen this year.

Redeemer Central has continued to grow, not just in numbers, spiritually too. We spent a few months at the end of last year going through the Prodigal Son parable using a study guide by Tim Keller. It was great to go through this in our Citygroup knowing the rest of the Citygroups were studying the same. It was such a good time together we are continuing to study over the next few months. I do miss the bible studies I had in Nis, a chance to go deeper with others. I hadn't realised how much I missed them until we started studying together in Citygroup.

Talking of Citygroups...Citygroup South has now multiplied, tonight in fact. I'm so excited I cannot sleep so I thought I'd update the blog. It is amazing how quickly the group has grown. There are 32 people in the South who have shown interest in our midweek group. We are now 2 groups in the South.

Going back to the changes this year ...I think the first change will be my job. The new structures have been issued and my role isn't there. Without going into too much detail as it's a blog in the public domain and also I don't want to be dishonourable - I came to the conclusion that I need to move on in my role due to working relationships. That is such a hard decision. I absolutely love my role - it's all the politics that go with it that is a problem. I'm keeping faith that God knows my heart for my job and will provide a better role. I like the contact with the students.

The restructuring is going to be a difficult time. I keep being reminded to look at what is best for me and not to worry about the Programme, it's hard after all the work I've put into it. Things are working so much better now, procedures are in place, documents are to hand. Part of me feels all of the work I've done is for nothing - as in the amount of work the Team Leaders have to do they won't have time to maintain what I've put in place. Why put me in this role only to be taken out of it 2 years later?

I have to remember I cannot see the bigger picture. I need to have faith that the people in charge of the restructuring also have a bigger picture and this will work well in it.

I need to keep track on my thoughts about my job. It's so hard to let it go. I don't mean I'm not caring about it now, far from it. It's hard not knowing when I'll be moving on, where I'll be moving on to and if there's time in between roles. But isn't that where faith comes in? Believing the unseeable?

The other major change is Chris, Barbie, Megs and Pam will be emigrating to Australia sometime from July onwards. I am so happy for them, it's something they've been working towards since 2005 and it's finally got the go ahead. On the other hand, being totally selfish - it's making me so sad. I love them to bits. It will break my heart to see them go. I cannot think of that at the moment, it's too painful. Nope - cannot write the rest at the mo...
 
Anyway...desperately trying to think of something else to write. I cannot, so I think I'll leave this post for now.
 
Praise

• Redeemer Central's city-centre building
• Citygroup:South multiplication
• Continued emotional healing throughout last year
• Able to have a summer holiday

Prayer

• I have courage to continue with emotional healing
• Issues still need to deal with are identified
• Peace re job situation
• Improved general health (no more colds!)

Choices

http://tiny.cc/m2mmbw

Hands
Two hands
My hands
Shackled together
I thought I was free
How wrong could I be?
Feet
Two feet
My feet
Walking along
Which direction to take?
What decision would I make?
I thought I had choices
Any way I could choose
Little did I realise
I only had two
One: to go my way, do what I wanted, how I wanted, when I wanted
Two: to follow You
Seeing yet not seeing
Knowing yet not knowing
Believe or not believe
Not believing is a choice
How do you want to spend eternity?
You choose...
(c) Cathy Mowbray 2011
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media

Squashed

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It was that time of year again a couple of weeks ago - time for a mammogram. I couldn't believe it had been a year since I had the appointment. This time I didn't feel as much discomfort - I don't know if it had anything to do with a different machine, a different nurse or I knew the "squashed" feeling wouldn't last forever. I had to find a different way to sleep a couple of days after for about a week, hey that's no problem.

A couple of hours after the mammogram I had a strange phone call from the hospital. On the letter and at the hospital they said the results would go to my GP and to contact them in a couple of weeks. The phone call was offering me an appointment to see the Doctor the next morning.  My mind froze and I said no.  I could feel myself getting worked up after the call ended. 

It would have been so easy to have got so distraught about the "what if"'s  - oh how they can destroy my peace. Thankfully I became aware of my thoughts and quickly thought calmly about the phone call. If it had been as a result of the mammogram would the results have been ready so quickly? I suspected not, no matter how efficient a place is. And I declined and they accepted that - if it was necessary to be seen quickly they would have suggested coming in soon rather than giving me the option. If a doctor asked to see me I'm sure they'd have said that. I decided the best thing to do would be to phone and speak to the clinic secretary. Which I did the next day. Spoke to a nurse who explained it all to me. Had the phone call happened a different day I'd probably have accepted it for what it was. Just being the same day got me thinking.

It made me realise how debilitating fear can be and how easily it can get a grip on life. Thankfully I was able to sit and pray and process my thoughts in peace, something I'm not always able to do. The Holy Spirit brought it's amazing peace and my fear evaporated. I need to find space at work to do this when things feel out of control. Unfortunately when I'm under pressure and accusations are flying around there isn't an opportunity to find some space to do this. I have to find a way to get through the day and hopefully find a way of dealing with it in the evening - not always something I want to do later on. I get to the point where I don't have a choice. I can run but I cannot hide! I have to face the emotions (good and bad) at some point. Thankfully the time carrying these emotions is getting shorter before releasing them. I know I cannot carry them around with me forever. I'm a new creation, being renewed daily and do not want to add more baggage to an already overloaded emotional state.

I received the test results from the hospital. It made me laugh. My results were exceptionally satisfactory. No chance of misunderstanding that result!

It is so great to be monitored yearly. I have been trying for years to be monitored through NHS and had never got the courage up or money to do it privately. It's a shame in a way I'm unable to go down the checking out genes line. It would have been good to know if the Cancer in the family is a genetic problem. Only one problem with that - I need to have family members with Cancer to check against. Hmm, a few years too late for that. And I certainly don't want any more family to be diagnosed. Even if it is genetics, it's not necessarily a guarantee of developing Cancer. It could skip a generation. That would be a good thing. Two generations is enough.

I don't spend time worrying about developing Cancer. My role model is Ma. After Pa died she suspected the Cancer had returned and was quite open about it. I'm sure she still protected me from alot of the pain - emotional and physical - she went through but she always said the not knowing was worse than the confirmation. It was something she just had to deal with and get on with it. She found the strength from somewhere to fight for as long as she did. 2 years. 2 hard years. 

Ma and I were very close. I only remember once seeing her in hospital upset. It wasn't a nice experience to see her so upset, yet at the same time I was glad she was able to share this with me. We had so many funny moments together which crack me up when I think of them. We used to cwch on the sofa and chat about most things. 

Have you ever had time with friends that are so funny each time you remember them you cannot help but laugh then try to explain to someone why it is so funny for it not to sound that funny? A case of "you had to be there".

One of those moments had to do with the song  "Pretty Woman". Ma used to do silly things like put her purse in fridge and the milk in her bag - you know, that sort of thing. (Go on, admit it, you do that from time to time. I know I do). She used to call herself 'silly woman'. She was laughing at the song and said it was about her so we tried to change the words. We only managed a couple of lines before we ended up in hysterics. I really cannot explain it. I cannot listen to the song without smiling.

I find the same thing happens with writing as when I pray. I start of thinking it is to do with one thing and before I know it it's developed into something more - I think I'll leave this post as it is and not split it...

Are we so different?



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 Over recent months my experience of watching films or programmes or even reading has changed. Before, quite often I'd sit and watch or read and accept as face value. Lately though I either question my own beliefs or will spark off some form of thought process. I can understand it with some of the books I've been reading, although even then I don't just read it. Some of the films seem to be a sit and watch, hopefully a good story line, but not for me lately.


This got me thinking about human relationships. There are certain groups of people I'd find it difficult to get along with. That was difficult for me to admit to myself - it's not something I think about often. Part of this would be because of lack of understanding, some of their beliefs are different to mine. Then I thought about the film. They turned things around by not looking at what was different between them but by looking at what was similar and embracing that. So it's a film and not always as easy as it looks on film. Some differences are taught to us at an early age and become part of who we are. Is that an excuse? Sort of. Just because I believe something doesn't automatically make it right.


Beliefs over time can change too. I think that's important to remember. I know some of mine have, some drastically due to personal experiences over the last few years. Some are still being broken down and rebuilt into a healthier form. I've found it a painful experience looking at some of my beliefs but one I'm finding interesting at the same time. It's also important to remember that we are each a sum of many beliefs. Just because you may not agree with one of mine shouldn't automatically discount me as a person, I'm much more than that one belief.

I wonder what a difference it would make if we each took time to listen to people-groups we're uncomfortable with and find a common ground? All relationships take time to develop and have their ups and downs. It takes effort to build and maintain relationships. I live in a "right here, right now" and a "throw away" culture. Isn't it time to invest time in each other, whoever we are?