Monday, 6 August 2012

Decision makers
The last two weeks have been awful. It is finally confirmed that there is no dedicated admin support for the Team Programme. I have finally been put at risk of redundancy. What I don't like about it is that it is a very selfish reaction to the decision. I was told back in December I wouldn't be working in the same school when the restructuring came about. Yet there's been other conversations since that have given me some hope of a change in decision. So all the hope was pushed out of me during my consultation. When I say hope I mean in being able to support the Team Programme in some way.

I am so glad my identity or life isn't my job. I am so surprised how much it hurts, all the same. In a sense it is a form of rejection - one the first time of experiencing it. And it's also an unknown change. Not knowing what is next or when the "next" will be. At least I no longer fear being without a job. So that's a weight off my mind. I survived it last time and if i'm unemployed again God will provide.

My mental health is very low at the moment. I had a sense the summer would be hard so made a decision to be proactive with my mental health and took on the responsibility for it. To some degree I have some responsibility to the way I feel. Sometimes it's a choice to ignore how I feel and speak truth into the situation. I also know that part of my depression is neuro-transmitter based and therefore I can only control by taking my tablets. It is very scary at times how the mind works. I am so glad I've been able to pick up on thoughts or decisions before acting on them. I can see how easy it is for people to harm themselves. I cannot believe those thoughts are back. It all feels too much at times. I just have to ride that wave until it subsides and pray into what particular part of life is difficult at that moment. The other side of the wave usually looks a lot less troublesome.

That awful feeling is back. The one I cannot explain. It is sort of a numbness, bit like when sitting on a leg too long and get pins and needles - I find part of that sensation really awful. It feels so dark and dead. I'm wondering if that's why I'm sleeping so much. That in itself is a telltale sign -'I cannot believe how much sleep I'm wanting. I went to the doctors again today as feeling very bad and what else can be done. So he gave me another two months worth of tablets. I know part of how I feel is due to redundancy, I'm starting to feel out of my depth with this. I think it's great timing to be meeting up with my prayer ministry lady (or are both of you able to come?) this week. She faced the same situation a while back so will be good to chat to someone who's through the other side.

I have been wondering who are the final decision makers in this process - for the restructuring of the Support structure. What a job they have. I have wondered if they know what work - I mean the amount - the support staff does. I know what my role has developed into and no-one's asked and I'm only one person. I doubt I'm the only one either. So to cut the number of staff to what it is going to be must be a very hard decision to make. Obviously there are some objectives that have to be met. I have to trust all the facts have been looked at