Good film line becomes reality

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Have you watched "My big fat greek wedding"? There's a line something like this "He doesn't eat meat?...that's ok, we'll cook him lamb". It's such a funny line.

I've now been here 5 days - well, today's 6. I've been explaining I don't eat meat since I've arrived. I'm also having to watch my intolerances so added them to the list. Serbian's do not understand that I don't want to pick out the meat. I've been offered cooked vegetables in a rabbit stew. They eventually said the veg taste like rabbit but I won't be eating the meat. Then last night they made me a pizza with cheese and tomatoes - 2 intolerances I cannot eat. We went to the health food shop the other day which I forgot about so started creating. I was offered polenta cake which sounded lovely. My dinner was ready so dished up, up came the polenta. Milos said I'd have to scoop out some of the bits. I thought they were tomato but turned out to be ham. Not again!

I'm not sure why they don't listen. There are lots of Serbians I know who will listen to you and even if it's a completely different view respect that view. It's so hard - I know it's even harder if this is what you have to live with (honey, you're amazing). It's wearing me down and it's not even a week.

Yet at the same time these guys cannot do enough for you. May not be what you want but they do it anyway. It would be quite comical if it wasn't so often.

Naomi, the twins and I popped into the church in Nis yesterday. They were having a mum & toddler group. It was great to see so many attending. They have asked us to pray for this group. They want to do this twice a month from September. The church is being transformed. Downstairs looks fantastic. The room layouts the same but I never thought it could look this good. They are definitely getting themselves on the map!

Today I'm off to see Vesna in Nis after her exam. I couldn't come all this way, be 30 mins from her home town without seeing her. It'll be great. Better go get ready!
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media

Non-roaming even though I have

I've tried 3 times to get my mobile connected to a Serbian network and 2 of those have been via international calls to UK. I give up. I'm told something different each time. Thankfully the restaurant has wi-fi so am connecting via that. Ok no phone calls or texts, but next best thing. I'll certainly be looking for new network when get home as it cannot be anything to do with the Serbian network as I cannot get roaming 2 hours from home and what's the point of that. Yes, I'm a bit upset about it! Dread to think how much the calls will cost. Taken at least 40 minutes to sort out so far.
I had so much peace on Friday travelling down the country with no phone. I couldn't let Naomi and Milos know which bus I was getting so they'd know when to collect me. I tried a public phone bo only to find they are now phone cards. I didn't have time at the bus station to get one so just got on the bus.
The bus arrived early at Soko Banja. I was unsure if I should wait or make my own way. I was feeling adventurous so decided to see if I could find the way (I wasn't sure they'd come to collect me). So with my case in tow off I went to the first crossroad. Hmm, by process of elimination there was sort of one possibility. I kept an eye out on the way to the bus station and didn't think it was that way.

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I toyed with the idea of going into the first restaurant and seeing if I could use their phone but I didn't. I kept walking - yay, I found the park in the centar. Ok, I knew which way to walk and I had to turn right at some point. I'd only been to their apartment once before so my memory was a little faded and I was so tired by now. I turned right and walked a little. I wasn't too sure until I saw a shop and was encouraged as I remembered a shop near the apartments. I thought I saw the apartments in the distance and continued walking only for them to disappear. By this time I was wondering if I'd been hallucinating because of lack of sleep. I decided to continue to see if there was a sharp bend around the corner. If not I'd go to the shop and ask for help. If only I'd had their address or at least written down Milos' surname - I wouldn't be able to say it but at least someone could read it!
As I found the bend I looked to see the house, a sign for the restaurant - of course, it's Kaskade and the apartments. I looked up to see Naomi on her balcony. I left my suitcase on the steps up to the door as Milos was on way down to collect the suitcase. The three flights seemed to take forever - only because I was tired.
Milos had gone to the bus station and spoke to either the bus driver or a ta xi driver to be told there was an English lady on the bus and she spoke very good Serbian. I hardly spoke any. Perhaps that's the secret, be good at what I can say and say no more!
Relaxing day today. For me it's warm but locals are wrapped up. It's great being out and feeling warm again. We took the boys out a couple of times today. They both had bad night last night and we were coping with that.
I'm being reminded again what having children is about. It's so challenging. Lovely and rewarding, at the same time. Also seeing the way different cultures deal with bringing up baby. I think my thoughts are more about the culture and their beliefs as opposed to specifically thinking about parenting. It must be because I'm out of my own culture and have a bit more time to see things.
It's also got me thinking about national identity and how much conflict can be caused in the name of it. We have to have somewhere we belong and feel connected to. Sometimes that can be threatened by politics, religion, leaders, I suppose anything that can challenge us. It's how we decide to react that's important. Do we lash out in fear, goad others into our "cause" or work it out another way? Do people helping us support us or are they along for the ride, on the bandwagon or because it's an inherited view?
I feel that working out which of my beliefs are my own for a reason and which are inherited is important. I am not disrespecting previous generations if I don't agree with their view. To me it feels more respectful after having looked into why they feel that way. It can bring a deeper relationship.
We are all individuals who have different life experiences even within close families. I can view the same situation in a different way to the person next to me therefore can have a different view.
I know it's important for me to know in my head and heart who I am. Lately I've been looking at untrue beliefs - why I hold them and why I've developed them. It's been a very interesting journey so far. There have been a few where the root of the problem has been revealed to me by the Holy Spirit. It's amazing how clear His revelation is and the gentle way He is doing this. Oh yes, it's painful but knowing I'm being set free from potentially life-threatening beliefs is great. It's a great example of how much better Jesus knows us than we know ourselves.
When was the last you examined your beliefs?

1st flight done

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Woo hoo, arrived @ Luton Airport. There are lots of people milling around. I've found a bench and table to stretch out on. I may get some sleep, be good if I can as I'm shattered.

I phoned Virgin Mobile when I arrived here as I couldn't get signal @ Dublin Airport even though I checked earlier in the week. Can u believe this - if I have problems in Serbia I have to phone again as they cannot do anything when phone is in UK. Please pray it does work or I'll have to spend time ringing when I should be on way to bus station. Naomi won't know what bus I'm on. I've learnt from yesterday and written down some phone numbers in case I cannot access later on. It'll be fine. I'll just have to find public phone box and ring when get off the bus. It all adds to the adventure!

I'm going to try and get some sleep for a while. My head is buzzing with lots of thoughts but they're too deep to start writing now.

Nite nite for now.

Leave me a comment so I know the email update is working x

Numpty

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You'll never guess what happened. I'm off on holiday tomorrow - well heading to Luton airport then Serbia Friday morning. For a while now I've been wondering what adventure will happen getting there as quite often something odd happens before, during or after flying. I can safely say that the strangeness has already happened, 24 hours before I fly! 

Oh, what a night. I had a great time at the Redeemer barbeque. It was lovely spending time relaing with people. It was perfect timing. I still have a bit of housework to do and a wee bit more packing of the suitcase left but thought it good to spend time with others - and hey, only one more working day left so a night out is called for!

So I get dropped off home. As soon as I opened the pocket on my bag where my housekeys normally are I felt something was up. I tried not to panic as sometimes I've left them in the bag instead of the pocket. Uh-oh, not in the bag. OK, time to get the mobile out and ring A for my spare key. Bigger uh-oh - I left the mobile on my bed charging. Never mind, A is staying down the road and left before I did so no worries, I'll walk to hers. 

All the way to hers I was trying to work out what I'd do if she wasn't in. I sort of had a plan but prayed I wouldn't need to act on it. Ok, flat rooms are in darkness, no van parked on the road. This probably means she's not in. I tried the buzzer, just in case. Have you ever been in a situation where your head goes into over-drive with "what if's"? I only let a few develop - what if A staying at parents tonight? What if D, housemate, staying at partner's tonight? I waited outside for a while, not sure how long. 

Time was ticking on and had a feeling my keys may be in the back of C's car as my bag fell upside down getting in. I know C is like me and gets to bed as soon as she can if it's later than normal. There was only one other person in the area I could think of - I know her road but not the number of the house - so not much use. I know how annoying it is when someone calls out down my road, didn't think it best to do that now.

So the only other person I could think of was G - who is in the east. Taxi time. I arrived at hers to see all the house in darkness. Oops, she has an early start in the morning. I rang the door bell. It's now around 10:50. Thankfully she heard. Out comes her mobile. We rang 3 people - all mobiles went straight to voicemail. It got to the stage of nothings going to happen tonight so just as well stay over and we'll try something else in the morning.

I'm not sure how long I'd been trying to sleep when I heard G speaking. I was slightly aware and in the distance heard a door knock. I thought I was dreaming then realised why would G knock on another door as it's her place. Aha, must be my door. A had checked her phone and if I could get there within 30 mins she has my spare key.

Back in a taxi. Requested a stop via cash machine. First one we stopped at had been smashed to pieces. Perhaps it didn't give out a receipt! I made it across in time, paid for taxi, picked up spare key, walked back to mine. By this time I'm shattered and I'm not too sure how I managed to keep walking (or even sit here writting). I'm home now, in bed, ready for sleep.

I'll be up early in the morning to finish the housework and more importantly packing!

NITE NITE ALL

Just another Bank Holiday?

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I don't always remember my dreams. Sometimes I'll wake up knowing it was a really strange dream but have no memory of what it was about. Others, I'll remember vividly and have to spend time working out it was a dream or did it actually happen. 

One morning last week was a bit like this exceptI sat bolt upright and heard myself saying "...but Easter is more important than Christmas". Haven't a clue why I'd say that. As I lay back down I thought about this a bit more.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Christmas is a great thing to celebrate - God becoming flesh and choosing to be born in a fallen world. He could have come to earth as a 32 year old male in time to gather His disciples and teach, heal and bring the Kingdom to earth. But he didn’t. He was born and grew up with experiences we can relate to over 2000 years later. It’s such a shame that for far too many Christmas is a break from work (if you’re lucky enough not to work in retail and other professions that have to work) and what presents are we going to get. How many people think about Christ being born?

Let’s think of Easter. What does it mean to you? Is it how many eggs you get? Did you receive more than your friend? Some people will think of images they’ve seen. How many thought about a cross with Jesus on it? To me, Easter isn’t about Jesus on the cross - that’s only part of the story, like watching a box set except the last episode which explains all your questions. It’s not about the tomb where Jesus lay. It’s about the empty tomb, Jesus defeated death, He died and rose again. Jesus gave His life for me - and YOU so we could live in the freedom of abundant grace and mercy.

Light in the darkness

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So long has gone by since my last post. Being quiet on the Caf-front is not usually a good thing. I seem to hide away when things get challenging. Sometimes it's to get strength for the next day, others it could be because I don't trust how I'll be with 'you' and am not sure you can handle me. At least I think that's why!

I am trying to learn that being in a community, whether that's church or family, means the good and the bad side of people, healthy and sick - starting to sound like the wedding vows! Slowly I'm showing more people the real depressed Caf, not the put on a mask "happy" Caf.

I realised the other day that I'm on the highest dose of anti-depressants I've been on and they're not working as well as they could. Part of that is intentional. I know from the last time with depression that when they are at the proper level I felt spaced-out much of the time. Admittedly that got me through the days, weeks and months but I know I wasn't really there. This time round I know I have to be in touch with my thoughts and as I'm having prayer ministry I felt it important to be able to connect with feelings to deal with them. Having said that, it is extremely hard and very energy-zapping.

I feel quite amazed at how I am though. On one hand I do feel very depressed and worse than last time. But at the same time I'm (just about) holding down a full-time, full hours, job. Ok, that's just about it at the mo, no energy for socialising. I have to ensure I make it to work or things will change there. Last time I had to have time off work. Part of me is wondering if that'd be better but I'm not convinced it would help. I feel supported and lifted up. I know this is the Holy Spirit sustaining me. I am in a very dark, sad place but feel lifted up. I know some of you don't have the same relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as I do and may not understand how that can be. I cannot explain it. I pray that you'll come to know more for yourself (but not through depression).

I do recognise some of the darker thought patterns, unfortunately - well, in the sense that the thoughts are back, not that I'm recognising them! I scared myself a couple of months ago. I felt I could take no more of this and wanted it to end. I couldn't believe that thought was back. Thankfully I realised where this could lead and had to stop the thought process before it spiraled downwards even darker. I'm no Psychologist so not sure if this is true, but to me suicidal thoughts and wanting to commit suicide are two different things, although thoughts can lead into actions. I was distressed by wanting to end things.

Before suffering from this deeper depression I had the view, as it seems the majority of people do, that suicide is the easy way out and selfish. Well, during 2001 - 2005 I tried 4 times to end my life. To me, it was the most self-less thing I could do. I could see how much my illness was affecting family and friends and the pain I was causing them. I couldn't see a way out of the darkness and became so tired of it. I am soooooo glad I rejected most ways and only ended up taking too many anti-depressants. Part of me was wondering if it'd make me better and if I died it'd be a release for everyone.

So back to a couple of months ago, being a follower of Jesus and wanting to end my life caused additional conflict. It is not down to me to decide when I die, that's God's job. That's when I cried out to God with all my strength. I had to stop the spiral now before it got out of control. Thankfully it stopped. Also I know there is a way out of this darkness. I've been healed before, I will be healed again. I just need to keep on the rocky journey of healing - facing and opening up baggage I've been carrying around for far too long.

Prayer ministry is good. I find meeting up with Linda and Lila a catalyst to healing until we meet again. The time in between meeting up varies, 2 weeks or can be 3 weeks. Within that time I receive revelation or healing for different issues. In 2 weeks time I've agreed to have a long ministry session to see how much freedom I can receive and see which walls will come tumbling down. I'm excited and anxious at the same time. Although I don't like how I feel it's familiar. I've been like this to some degree for the past 2 years. To think that in 2 weeks time I can be healed is a strange feeling. I've put my life on hold during this depression and now need to think about my life again. I do have sight of the bigger picture of this depression and that's been keeping me going. To think that the bigger picture could be around the corner is strange.

These 2 weeks will be filled with preparation for a new me. A time to think again what I want to do in Northern Ireland, a time to get creative again and connect others to their creativity, a time to have fun and lots of it. There's so much I want to do here and it's just around the corner.

Goodbye Oh Yeah, hello The Space

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We reached another landmark meeting yesterday. Citygroup:Sunday is having to change venues. We've outgrown the Oh Yeah Centre. Can you believe that? DC mentioned yesterday about our first meeting there round a couple of tables and look how we've grown. It's amazing. I cannot wait to see what rooms there are for children's work. They've been doing a great job with the limited space they have. It's going to be great to have space to be able to do really embrace the vision. I'm so excited. I'm still hands off at the mo as I feel it's wrong to get involved when I'm not in a good place. I have faith for healing and getting fully involved again. The sticky floors, having to hoover up the bar area or building area before we can set up will soon be a memory. Although I wonder what delights await us from The Space? It's part of Queen's University Student Union building. I feel I'm surrounded by students on all sides now. Is He trying to tell me something? Those student hangout nights in Nis will be put to good use soon, I think.