Where did I start?

http://flic.kr/p/9SR79

My blog description says about how I got to"where I am". I find it amazing to look back and see how far I've come. So should I start with my testimony? Do you know something I think I will as it's a good place and I can share some of my passions with you and maybe you'll get to know me a little bit better in the process

I, like so many other people, thought that being christened as a baby automatically made me a Christian. I said a prayer now and again, went to church when we went back to Wales, which was about it.  

My parents were believers but didn’t go to Church when I was growing up. Before we moved to Essex (where I grew up) I know they were very active in their local church. When we moved we couldn’t find a church they liked. They tried different ones every now and again – no-one would speak to us.

I thought I turned my back on God when my parents died. I was 17 when my dad came home from work and had a heart attack. I was (a very young) 20 when my mum died of cancer. I had finished college in the June. I had been told she was not going to be healed. She became progressively worse over the next month and I made an unconscious decision not to look for work but stay and look after her. She died in the November. I didn’t understand why they had died and I started to look for an answer. I read lots about different religions and took bits and pieces and followed my own way.

I held onto my grief for a very long time and was angry with those around me (mainly my brother - sorry). I suffered from depression for many years following the death of my mum having good and bad times. Looking back it seems as if I was on self-destruct. I began looking in the wrong places to heal my pain - mainly in the arms of men. If a man showed me interest I would pursue him, sometimes it developed into a relationship sometimes only for a few hours. I felt good and loved for a while but when I was back on my own the loneliness and rejection was overwhelming at times which would make me search more company.

I was taking lots of time off work and hit a bad time and couldn't go on and had some time off. I was becoming more and more agoraphobic (scared to go outside the house) and very scared about losing my brother and had to keep tabs on him. Thankfully he was seeing Barbie (now his wife) who was very understanding and would phone me each morning after she had seen him at her burger van to let me know he was ok.

Work didn't seem to be too understanding, at least it seemed that way but I now wonder if they thought they could shock me back to work by threatening me with losing my job. They paid for a couple of blocks of counselling for me which I went to. It got to the last one they had paid for and it was suggested I took over the responsibility. I did not have much money to spare but found it from cutting back on other areas. I did open up and faced a lot of things I had tried to ignore. I had tried counselling several times before but it didn't work. This time was different. I think I was in the right place to face the hurt and pain. I still had a long way to go but had made a significant start.

I think it was my third visit to Church before I moved and heard about Grace – about how God will welcome a person back despite what they have done in their life. This was an amazing revelation. I’ve heard a lot about it since and am still learning. That evening back home in Essex I couldn’t sleep, I had too many words whizzing round my head. I had to get up and write them down. What appeared on the paper was a prayer. I was astonished – it was a prayer for my Niece who had to spend the night in hospital. I had forgotten how to pray but I was writing one. I thought when I had finished I’d be able to get to sleep. Wrong – I had to keep writing, this is how I felt at the time:

I took time to listen, I took time to see
God is all around us, God is with me
Thank you for welcoming me back
Thank you for allowing me in
Life has much more meaning
Feeling God within
No longer lonely, I don’t feel so alone
A new life to build, I feel I’ve found home

The next amazing thing to happen was my decision to leave Essex and move to East Dereham, Norfolk. I knew it was something I had to do. Jon Beardon said something interesting – I was responding to God’s call before becoming a Christian!

 
I’m here in East Dereham, a few months go by, I start going to Church then I hear about JC21 in Attleborough. I thought I‘d go and see what it was all about. At the end there was a call for people who want to be saved. I knew I didn’t want to go up the front. I was able to resist a little while – I wanted to make sure I was doing this for me and not because others wanted me to. I was asking God to let me know what to do when one leg moved, then the other, my legs were moving my body to the front – I didn’t know why I was there but I did know I had to be there.
 
Asking Jesus to come into my life was a great experience. I’m trusting in him now and asking him for help. I found that so difficult, I’ve been used to not asking for help that often, but now it may be a few times through the day! I made the decision to get baptised a couple of months after being a Christian.
 
I got involved with my cell group and still had up and down times where I would withdraw and disappear. Cell group did the Freedom In Christ course. I made a decision to fully participate. I thought this was the next step. I faced quite a few difficult issues around forgiveness towards others and also to forgive myself. It took a couple of months to address some issues but I am so glad I did. It has allowed the Holy Spirit to bring healing into my life. At the time I had taken myself off the antidepressants as I could not afford to pay the prescription. I haven't needed to go back on them or even thought about doing so for nearly 2 years now.
 
About a month after finishing the Freedom in Christ course I found myself on the New Frontiers website looking at Change Life trips, being drawn to one to the Ukraine. I had just missed the closing date of this. Unknown to me at this time there was a team being formed to go to Serbia in the September. I mentioned what I had found on the website to Trish, friend at church and also the wife of the person organising the team (isn't it amazing how God puts the pieces together, or is it us that puts the pieces together after God has prepared the way?). The next thing I know is David asking "So you're coming to Serbia then?". I immediately said "Yes" and thought why did I answer so quickly..... tbc

I'm going to end for now as I do not want to rush through some important moments of my life so far. I will continue shortly.